Do I struggle with the idea of disappointing people? Oh only my whole life, but now Ive realised the price of disappointing myself is too high and I can’t keep doing it. It’s scary and hard, but living as a people pleaser is also scary and hard.
100% agree with this Kate. You know, I didn't equate this post to people-pleasing when I wrote it but of course that's what it's about. I'm a life-long people pleaser and only now, as I hit my forties, am I actively giving it up. You're right, it's scary and hard, but the alternative is scary and hard and unsatisfying. 💚💚
I agree with you that the "price of disappointing myself is too high". Maybe it is age that has helped but I feel that life is too short to let others lead the show.
Wow Brooke, the timing of this post is incredible as I was only thinking about this last night and in the context of drinking. I have a family member that I love very much and that I used to connect with through drinking on a regular basis. I don’t enjoy drinking and have changed quite a bit, so we don’t drink together often and when I’m with them I get in trouble for not drinking enough. I thought I could do it every now and then, but I don’t want to. The fear is I lose the connection we have and disappoint them. But ultimately, you’re either disappointing them or you’re disappointing yourself. You’re right, if people love you for you, they will ultimately want what makes you happiest. I appreciate hearing your story!
Ah, I can relate to this so much Jess. Navigating the tension between knowing what's good and right for you and what, to some extent, is the glue in your relationship is a tough one. But I think you're on the money with your last comment - you're either disappointing them or disappointing yourself. The latter is easier to do in the moment but much harder in the long run. 💚💚
My friend had a similar experience while traveling in Italy. Her friend was visibly upset at her not drinking with her. What a shame! It is interesting how it bothers people. It's similar to dietary restrictions. My family doesn't understand why I'm not drinking. It bothers them to no end. 🤣
I have what is becoming known as ultra processed food addiction. I had to stop eating flour and sugar, so that means alcohol too. Eating those ingredients in moderation doesn’t work for me, it has to be total abstinence or else I binge eat. This did not go down well with my parents nor some of my friends. I became the picky eater, not to draw attention to myself, but to not have to face the consequences of eating those foods i.e., cravings, bingeing etc. I have so much empathy for your health journey Brooke and applaud you in doing what’s best for you in the face of other people’s judgment ❤️
There's something about food isn't there? With some of my health stuff I've had to make dietary changes (on top of being vegetarian and not drinking) so sometimes I feel like the picky eater too. There's shame attached to it for me, the idea of putting anyone out for my needs, but the alternative is to feel even worse and I can't keep doing that. Thanks so much for sharing Diane, and for your kind words. It's nice to know we're not alone going through these things. 💚💚💚
I’m vegetarian too. I have no shame about my diet now, but I did at the start. I’m taking the tack that ‘food is medicine’ and all the guilt/shame has gone.
That is powerful. Why do they insist on feeding us food that harms us? So odd. You would think they would be proud that we are taking charge of our health. I think it challenges their own ideas surrounding food.
We eat primarily whole, local foods at home. When I travel to visit family, they complain when I pass on their food. My son is bold and just says "no". I am impressed, yet there is a part of me that wishes he would just eat it. I am secretly proud of his commitment to good health, but I was raised to just clean the plate.
Thank you Brooke, I can sooooo relate! My health has not been great and I am in the process of making some pretty big changes, including not drinking ( been off the alcohol since Feb)- its been great but hard at times too. I'm not currently able to drive due to my health and to top it off my gut health is all over the place. My body needs healing and time to adjust to my new normal but that's bloody hard isn't it! Medications are amazing but side effects are not!!! It's one thing to say it... but to put it into practice is completely another....I too feel like I'm 'disappointing' people but I know if I don't I end up worse. True friends always shine through though.
It's a daily practice of self-love/worth that is so important, even when it's really hard, I just be 'Dory'....' just keep swimming, just keep swimming' 😂Sending gratitude to you Brooke for your honest and real posts. 🥰
Yes, yes, yes, Lynette! I'm with you on all this, and I'm really sorry you're going through those health challenges. I feel you, and it's really bloody tough, especially when there are so many changes to make and treatments that help *and* complicate. I feel like I've made a breakthrough just this week in terms of accepting the reality of my life, rather than working to control it, and it feels big (but not easy).
Here's to the loved ones that shine through, and here's to some more good days sprinkled in. xx
Beautiful Brooke. I listened today and it was so lovely to hear your voice.
I had a friend reveal the other day 'I've not been very kind to myself' and it was heartbreaking. And I found listening to some of your story very sad as well Brooke. And also, that when we acknowledge how we are towards ourselves that that's the first place to start rebuilding the most important relationship.
Breaking up with alcohol was one of the best (and hardest) things I have ever done. There are many of us who try to go without and we could all do with a bit more support. Thanks for bringing it to my awareness again - not only how much better my life is now that I don't drink, but also the changes that it brought to my life. All for the better. My friendship groups have changed, my social life has changed, my idea of anxiety has changed. I grieved the losses at the time, and sometimes still do, but not enough to change myself for others.
Thank goodness I trusted my instincts. Thank goodness I love myself enough to do the uncomfy things, at the risk of disappointing people. There were/ are some rough times, but they pale in comparison to the effects of alcohol on my health. Everything else, every decision and habit I choose now is a walk in the park!
Thanks so much lovely Cherie. I hear you on the grieving and knowing you wouldn't go back no matter how hard it gets. I feel exactly the same these days, but it has been tough to navigate those early (and not so early) realisations that my relationships will change. I think you're 100% right that self-worth and knowing our values will help massively. I'm so glad you're in such a good place now, 💚💚💚
Well done trusting your instincts. I think starting with the piece of loving yourself is key. It is amazing what can be given up or changed when this is the ultimate goal. ❤️
I feel this soooo much. I'm just over 3 months sober ... And it's been such a positive change for me, but I can feel how it's also changing my relationships with others. It's an awkward spot to be in. This weekend in fact, I'm going on a girls mini break with a good friend. Normally we would drink together ... And a lot ! About a week ago, we met up and I explained that I'm not drinking and I felt immediately bad , I didn't want my decision to negatively impact her. Since of course, I've tried to just refocus on why I'm doing this, and went shopping for lots of yummy non alcoholic drinks and I'm hopeful she won't even notice a difference, yet I will ... Particularly 'the morning after' !!!!
Oh I remember that stage very well! The first conversations about not drinking and why feel so big, especially in those relationships where you've previously done a lot of drinking together. Someone once explained to me that the resistance the other person feels might be fear that they'll lose your friendship, so I've found that trying to find other ways to hang out or connect has sometimes helped. Like, instead of pizza and beer together every Friday night it might be pizza and a movie, or a meal made together at home. It helped me to reframe it not just as an adjustment from my end, but theirs too.
As you say, there's loads of non-alc options too, which makes the transition so much easier. Enjoy your mini-break! 💚
Thank you Brooke. I'm really looking forward to it, I just know it will also be a little challenging at times. I feel like I'm ready. Thank you for talking about this and sharing your experience. 🙏
I love this and I love that you've planned it through beforehand too. As you say, after the first drink I bet the others don't even notice - but you'll certainly feel the benefits
Brooke! I resonated with this SO much! When I stopped drinking at age 26 in grad school, all of my friends were still partying hard (which is fine--but just wasn't fine for me anymore). I didn't feel like that was "disappointing" others so much then; I just felt bored. Later when I had to slow down my life when I developed my chronic illnesses, I just couldn't keep up with my larger group of friends and do the things we had done. A few very close friends really stuck with me and adapted to the slower pace and different activities I had to do. Interestingly, I felt like I was disappointed, but if they felt that way, too, they didn't express it. Over the years as I've changed and my needs have changed, my friend group has gotten much smaller but even closer. I'm excited to dive in and read other folks' comments on this post, too. Thanks again, Brooke!
I can feel a shift in drinkers these days. I am grateful for the conversation and honesty about it here. I honestly never thought about giving up drinking. I didn't have a problem with it, yet it wasn't something that added value to my life. What a shift once I stopped. It's as if a veil has been lifted from my view of life. I see situations clearer and my relationships are stronger. I no longer want to engage with people who party or drink too much. They make me uncomfortable. I am good with a smaller group of people that accept me for who I am.
I grew up in a toxic household where I was told that who I was as a person was a constant disappointment so I had to make up for that by being useful and successful and squashing who I am to fit in with others. It took me decades to break that down and separate out my behaviours and interests from what I enjoy vs what I did to please others and I lost a lot of friends as a result. Weirdly it was moving up north and quitting my corporate job that drew the most open criticism and condescension from people I thought were close friends. Now I lean in to who I am, openly geek out about things that interest me and do weird stuff like deciding to move to Launceston and it just feels right that I'm no longer disappointing myself.
This is so beautifully written Brooke. Not wanting to disappoint others is such a key factor in so many of our decisions. I've found as I've got a bit older it's a lot easier to say no to things that I don't want to do and to deal with that perceived disappointment of others. 9 times out of 10 they aren't as bothered by it as I thought they would be.
I hear you Brooke! I recently decided to opt out of a regular boozy lunch with long term friends, because of the resistance to change the status quo. I realised that I kept going, because I didn’t want to disappoint my friends, but I’m over that now : )
Thank you for this Brooke! It is wonderful to listen to your story and words. I have been sober for almost 2 years, and it has been a game-changer for me. My family continues to struggle with it because I grew up in a 5 o'clock cocktail household. In the beginning, my Dad was visibly upset at my not drinking with him. I occasionally drank as an adult, but it all began as a teenage girl finding her place. I wasn't comfortable in social settings and I desperately wanted to fit in with the popular girls. I thought that it would open the doors to the 80's movies that I adored. Ha. Now that I am sober, I can see and feel it all. I can step away from situations instead of bull-rushing into them. I sleep better at night, and my overall mood is more balanced. People pleasing has become something that I am more aware of. I am better at saying "no thank you" and speaking about what I would like to do. It has taken 52 years, but I am getting there. ❤️
Do I struggle with the idea of disappointing people? Oh only my whole life, but now Ive realised the price of disappointing myself is too high and I can’t keep doing it. It’s scary and hard, but living as a people pleaser is also scary and hard.
100% agree with this Kate. You know, I didn't equate this post to people-pleasing when I wrote it but of course that's what it's about. I'm a life-long people pleaser and only now, as I hit my forties, am I actively giving it up. You're right, it's scary and hard, but the alternative is scary and hard and unsatisfying. 💚💚
Yes!! 🙌
I agree with you that the "price of disappointing myself is too high". Maybe it is age that has helped but I feel that life is too short to let others lead the show.
Wow Brooke, the timing of this post is incredible as I was only thinking about this last night and in the context of drinking. I have a family member that I love very much and that I used to connect with through drinking on a regular basis. I don’t enjoy drinking and have changed quite a bit, so we don’t drink together often and when I’m with them I get in trouble for not drinking enough. I thought I could do it every now and then, but I don’t want to. The fear is I lose the connection we have and disappoint them. But ultimately, you’re either disappointing them or you’re disappointing yourself. You’re right, if people love you for you, they will ultimately want what makes you happiest. I appreciate hearing your story!
Ah, I can relate to this so much Jess. Navigating the tension between knowing what's good and right for you and what, to some extent, is the glue in your relationship is a tough one. But I think you're on the money with your last comment - you're either disappointing them or disappointing yourself. The latter is easier to do in the moment but much harder in the long run. 💚💚
That’s very true, it’s important to keep that longer term picture in mind.
Totally agree Jess 🙏
My friend had a similar experience while traveling in Italy. Her friend was visibly upset at her not drinking with her. What a shame! It is interesting how it bothers people. It's similar to dietary restrictions. My family doesn't understand why I'm not drinking. It bothers them to no end. 🤣
I have what is becoming known as ultra processed food addiction. I had to stop eating flour and sugar, so that means alcohol too. Eating those ingredients in moderation doesn’t work for me, it has to be total abstinence or else I binge eat. This did not go down well with my parents nor some of my friends. I became the picky eater, not to draw attention to myself, but to not have to face the consequences of eating those foods i.e., cravings, bingeing etc. I have so much empathy for your health journey Brooke and applaud you in doing what’s best for you in the face of other people’s judgment ❤️
There's something about food isn't there? With some of my health stuff I've had to make dietary changes (on top of being vegetarian and not drinking) so sometimes I feel like the picky eater too. There's shame attached to it for me, the idea of putting anyone out for my needs, but the alternative is to feel even worse and I can't keep doing that. Thanks so much for sharing Diane, and for your kind words. It's nice to know we're not alone going through these things. 💚💚💚
I’m vegetarian too. I have no shame about my diet now, but I did at the start. I’m taking the tack that ‘food is medicine’ and all the guilt/shame has gone.
Oh I really like that Diane! Such a simple powerful way to reframe it. I’ll be using your line from now on! 💚
That is powerful. Why do they insist on feeding us food that harms us? So odd. You would think they would be proud that we are taking charge of our health. I think it challenges their own ideas surrounding food.
We eat primarily whole, local foods at home. When I travel to visit family, they complain when I pass on their food. My son is bold and just says "no". I am impressed, yet there is a part of me that wishes he would just eat it. I am secretly proud of his commitment to good health, but I was raised to just clean the plate.
Thank you Brooke, I can sooooo relate! My health has not been great and I am in the process of making some pretty big changes, including not drinking ( been off the alcohol since Feb)- its been great but hard at times too. I'm not currently able to drive due to my health and to top it off my gut health is all over the place. My body needs healing and time to adjust to my new normal but that's bloody hard isn't it! Medications are amazing but side effects are not!!! It's one thing to say it... but to put it into practice is completely another....I too feel like I'm 'disappointing' people but I know if I don't I end up worse. True friends always shine through though.
It's a daily practice of self-love/worth that is so important, even when it's really hard, I just be 'Dory'....' just keep swimming, just keep swimming' 😂Sending gratitude to you Brooke for your honest and real posts. 🥰
Yes, yes, yes, Lynette! I'm with you on all this, and I'm really sorry you're going through those health challenges. I feel you, and it's really bloody tough, especially when there are so many changes to make and treatments that help *and* complicate. I feel like I've made a breakthrough just this week in terms of accepting the reality of my life, rather than working to control it, and it feels big (but not easy).
Here's to the loved ones that shine through, and here's to some more good days sprinkled in. xx
"True friends always shine through though." Well said. ❤️ It is empowering that you are taking care of yourself and your health. Wooppee!
Beautiful Brooke. I listened today and it was so lovely to hear your voice.
I had a friend reveal the other day 'I've not been very kind to myself' and it was heartbreaking. And I found listening to some of your story very sad as well Brooke. And also, that when we acknowledge how we are towards ourselves that that's the first place to start rebuilding the most important relationship.
Breaking up with alcohol was one of the best (and hardest) things I have ever done. There are many of us who try to go without and we could all do with a bit more support. Thanks for bringing it to my awareness again - not only how much better my life is now that I don't drink, but also the changes that it brought to my life. All for the better. My friendship groups have changed, my social life has changed, my idea of anxiety has changed. I grieved the losses at the time, and sometimes still do, but not enough to change myself for others.
Thank goodness I trusted my instincts. Thank goodness I love myself enough to do the uncomfy things, at the risk of disappointing people. There were/ are some rough times, but they pale in comparison to the effects of alcohol on my health. Everything else, every decision and habit I choose now is a walk in the park!
Sending you love,
Cherie
Thanks so much lovely Cherie. I hear you on the grieving and knowing you wouldn't go back no matter how hard it gets. I feel exactly the same these days, but it has been tough to navigate those early (and not so early) realisations that my relationships will change. I think you're 100% right that self-worth and knowing our values will help massively. I'm so glad you're in such a good place now, 💚💚💚
Well done trusting your instincts. I think starting with the piece of loving yourself is key. It is amazing what can be given up or changed when this is the ultimate goal. ❤️
I feel this soooo much. I'm just over 3 months sober ... And it's been such a positive change for me, but I can feel how it's also changing my relationships with others. It's an awkward spot to be in. This weekend in fact, I'm going on a girls mini break with a good friend. Normally we would drink together ... And a lot ! About a week ago, we met up and I explained that I'm not drinking and I felt immediately bad , I didn't want my decision to negatively impact her. Since of course, I've tried to just refocus on why I'm doing this, and went shopping for lots of yummy non alcoholic drinks and I'm hopeful she won't even notice a difference, yet I will ... Particularly 'the morning after' !!!!
Oh I remember that stage very well! The first conversations about not drinking and why feel so big, especially in those relationships where you've previously done a lot of drinking together. Someone once explained to me that the resistance the other person feels might be fear that they'll lose your friendship, so I've found that trying to find other ways to hang out or connect has sometimes helped. Like, instead of pizza and beer together every Friday night it might be pizza and a movie, or a meal made together at home. It helped me to reframe it not just as an adjustment from my end, but theirs too.
As you say, there's loads of non-alc options too, which makes the transition so much easier. Enjoy your mini-break! 💚
Thank you Brooke. I'm really looking forward to it, I just know it will also be a little challenging at times. I feel like I'm ready. Thank you for talking about this and sharing your experience. 🙏
I love this and I love that you've planned it through beforehand too. As you say, after the first drink I bet the others don't even notice - but you'll certainly feel the benefits
Thank you Louise 🙏
It is quite awkward at first navigating it, but love that you’re doing it with such integrity, Emily
Thank you, you too! Trying to follow my instincts as much as possible 🙏
Brooke! I resonated with this SO much! When I stopped drinking at age 26 in grad school, all of my friends were still partying hard (which is fine--but just wasn't fine for me anymore). I didn't feel like that was "disappointing" others so much then; I just felt bored. Later when I had to slow down my life when I developed my chronic illnesses, I just couldn't keep up with my larger group of friends and do the things we had done. A few very close friends really stuck with me and adapted to the slower pace and different activities I had to do. Interestingly, I felt like I was disappointed, but if they felt that way, too, they didn't express it. Over the years as I've changed and my needs have changed, my friend group has gotten much smaller but even closer. I'm excited to dive in and read other folks' comments on this post, too. Thanks again, Brooke!
I can feel a shift in drinkers these days. I am grateful for the conversation and honesty about it here. I honestly never thought about giving up drinking. I didn't have a problem with it, yet it wasn't something that added value to my life. What a shift once I stopped. It's as if a veil has been lifted from my view of life. I see situations clearer and my relationships are stronger. I no longer want to engage with people who party or drink too much. They make me uncomfortable. I am good with a smaller group of people that accept me for who I am.
I grew up in a toxic household where I was told that who I was as a person was a constant disappointment so I had to make up for that by being useful and successful and squashing who I am to fit in with others. It took me decades to break that down and separate out my behaviours and interests from what I enjoy vs what I did to please others and I lost a lot of friends as a result. Weirdly it was moving up north and quitting my corporate job that drew the most open criticism and condescension from people I thought were close friends. Now I lean in to who I am, openly geek out about things that interest me and do weird stuff like deciding to move to Launceston and it just feels right that I'm no longer disappointing myself.
I am so impressed at your courage Candice. It takes a lot of insight and work to stand up for yourself and what matters to you.
Thank you 😊 I didn't mean for it to sound like such a woe is me tale, it just is what it is, but it's all worked out for the best in the end
This is so beautifully written Brooke. Not wanting to disappoint others is such a key factor in so many of our decisions. I've found as I've got a bit older it's a lot easier to say no to things that I don't want to do and to deal with that perceived disappointment of others. 9 times out of 10 they aren't as bothered by it as I thought they would be.
I hear you Brooke! I recently decided to opt out of a regular boozy lunch with long term friends, because of the resistance to change the status quo. I realised that I kept going, because I didn’t want to disappoint my friends, but I’m over that now : )
Thank you for this Brooke! It is wonderful to listen to your story and words. I have been sober for almost 2 years, and it has been a game-changer for me. My family continues to struggle with it because I grew up in a 5 o'clock cocktail household. In the beginning, my Dad was visibly upset at my not drinking with him. I occasionally drank as an adult, but it all began as a teenage girl finding her place. I wasn't comfortable in social settings and I desperately wanted to fit in with the popular girls. I thought that it would open the doors to the 80's movies that I adored. Ha. Now that I am sober, I can see and feel it all. I can step away from situations instead of bull-rushing into them. I sleep better at night, and my overall mood is more balanced. People pleasing has become something that I am more aware of. I am better at saying "no thank you" and speaking about what I would like to do. It has taken 52 years, but I am getting there. ❤️