On disappointing people
The inevitable by-product of allowing yourself to change
(This voiceover is an audio version of the newsletter below. As always, it’s unedited, and today features my croaky voice. If you like/need to listen to these posts I hope you enjoy it!)
There will be many times in your life when you disappoint people, and the more we resist the status quo, the more likely it is to happen.
Case in point: I used to be the fun one. The one who would crack open the first bottle of wine and invite the friends who popped in for a cuppa to stay for (an inevitably boozy) dinner. The one who would turn the music up and tell the loudest, rudest jokes and cajole everyone into having “just one more.”
(I say fun one, but I increasingly think most of my “fun” came from booze, and I was just a pain in the arse.)
When my health took a dive in 2019, I stopped being the fun one. Not by choice but by force. One day, I was fun. The next, I wasn’t. All my energy had to go into the non-negotiables of life and I spent the next five years trying to find a way forward, to a new kind of normal.
One of the things I did was stop drinking. I’ve written about it before, and honestly, in all the important ways my life looks different now, it’s nowhere near the top of the list. But it’s the one that comes to mind because of the way people reacted to it.
Not everyone, of course. Probably not even most people. (Most people think about us and our choices way less than we imagine.) But the people for whom I’d been that happy-go-lucky drinking buddy found this new version of me…weird and sad, maybe? How can someone change so much? Why can’t she just be how she used to be? How do I relate to her now?
I was quieter. I couldn’t stay up til two in the morning anymore. It was someone else’s role to turn up the music, to push the night along, to open another bottle because I usually went to bed early. I opted out, and to be clear, I felt fine about that. Good even. I had changed, my priorities were different and my Why — to focus on my health so I could live well, even with my constraints — was steadfast. I never wavered. But I did hate disappointing people.
For the longest time, I wanted to say sorry. To explain myself. To ensure them that nothing was different, not really. But that wasn’t true. I was different. And I wasn’t sorry.
I still have fun. In fact, now that I have finally gotten some health answers and better understand how to live with them, I have more real fun than I used to. I take the good times and clutch them with two grateful hands; it’s just that those good times look different now.
We went away with the kids in January. And while my health was not brilliant at the time, it was the most fun trip we’ve ever had. We spent days exploring and eating and doing new things, and we fell into bed every night, exhausted and happy. And I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I could do that because I’d allowed my focus to narrow and my priorities to shift.
And that realisation was enough for me. I stopped worrying about disappointing people and started to enjoy the benefits of doing life differently — because it was right, for me and the things I hold most dear.
In an ideal world, maybe changing wouldn’t disappoint our friends and family. But we need to know that we are allowed to grow and evolve. And the people who love you will either meet you where you land, or they won’t.
It’s uncomfortable and true that some of your relationships will change when you do. Some may not survive. Some will look vastly different than they used to. And some will surprise you with the steel at their core — the acceptance that will not fail.
Those are the people who will meet you where you land. They will not be disappointed in you. They will love you and will be glad for you because they see you becoming something new. Those people are gold in your life.
Given enough time and the opportunity to see you flourishing, most of the people who love you will catch up. They might not understand the change you’re making. They might not even like it very much. But they will accept it. They will accept that you are happier or healthier or better for it, and they will meet you where you’ve landed.
But in the meantime, you might have to be that person for yourself, first.
Do you ever struggle with the idea of disappointing people? Even when the changes you’re making are positive for you? How do you make peace with that? I would love to know.
In the meantime, I hope you enjoy the rest of your week. Take good care,
Brooke xx
Do I struggle with the idea of disappointing people? Oh only my whole life, but now Ive realised the price of disappointing myself is too high and I can’t keep doing it. It’s scary and hard, but living as a people pleaser is also scary and hard.
Wow Brooke, the timing of this post is incredible as I was only thinking about this last night and in the context of drinking. I have a family member that I love very much and that I used to connect with through drinking on a regular basis. I don’t enjoy drinking and have changed quite a bit, so we don’t drink together often and when I’m with them I get in trouble for not drinking enough. I thought I could do it every now and then, but I don’t want to. The fear is I lose the connection we have and disappoint them. But ultimately, you’re either disappointing them or you’re disappointing yourself. You’re right, if people love you for you, they will ultimately want what makes you happiest. I appreciate hearing your story!