55 Comments
Jun 1, 2023Liked by Brooke McAlary

I love this message... any chance you’re a reader of Anne Helen Petersen’s Substack? She had a piece on optimisation last week which I loved as well.

I’ve been on a very long journey to being just fine - growing up, it was reinforced for me that if I couldn’t do something great, even perfect, it was better not to even try. I held myself back from so many things because I knew I wasn’t going to be excellent at them. As an adult I’m trying to unlearn that, big time. I’ve started indoor rock climbing, despite being short and kind of chunky, at the age of 32, and I will never be great at it and it’s still so fun! And even if I’ll never be great, I can still work hard at it and improve my own skills.

I work in a just-fine job because it’s flexible and it’s very secure and it pays just fine. To be fair, I have excellent in other areas of my life, like my marriage. But I think I’ve accepted that it’s okay to be a just-fine person; I don’t need to be famous or influential or even beautiful to deserve happiness and love. And sometimes it’s even easier to experience happiness when you’re okay with just-fine; when you’re not trying to pin down the fleeting wonderful moments or expecting them to last forever. Sometimes the contrast between the pure joy of something and the regular everydayness of life makes it even sweeter.

Expand full comment
author

THIS COMMENT. Oh my heart. I love everything you've said Melanie. Especially this:

"And sometimes it’s even easier to experience happiness when you’re okay with just-fine; when you’re not trying to pin down the fleeting wonderful moments or expecting them to last forever. Sometimes the contrast between the pure joy of something and the regular everydayness of life makes it even sweeter."

(Also, I don't read Anne Helen Petersen's Substack, but I've just added it to my list. It sounds fantastic - thank you for mentioning it!)

Expand full comment
Jun 1, 2023Liked by Brooke McAlary

Melanie, I love what you're saying about choosing where you want to be "just fine" and "excellent" -- do you feel that aligns with your values, somehow? I also totally agree that it's much easier to experience true happiness when "just fine" feels like enough. It's freeing, in my eyes! Also, very well done to you for being intentional about 'reprogramming' what was reinforced to you growing up -- it's not easy to do, so good on you for the progress you've made/are making there :)

Expand full comment
author

That's such a good point Stefanie - about aligning our values with our areas of growth, and everything else with our just-fines. There's something super important in that I think, that I'm going to be mulling over over the weekend. 💚

Expand full comment
Jun 4, 2023Liked by Brooke McAlary

Hey Melanie,

You have such a great attitude! I had the attitude (when younger) it’s better to NOT try and succeed than try and fail.

That attitude and the natural ability that goes with it only gets you so far. I now have to try at most things, have some success and am learning to accept the journey.

Have a fab day!

Expand full comment
Jun 1, 2023Liked by Brooke McAlary

Another 'fine' newsletter Brooke! As a recovering perfectionist, the goal of striving to be happy all the frigging time is/ has been unworkable and unhealthy. I'm a yoga teacher and there is a

Sanskrit word for concontent- 'Santosha' - one of the Niyama's for you Yogis out there and it's how I prefer to live my life...but I'm human so I give myself some slack and be 'fine' about that too!! Thank you for reminding us all, that it is more than ok to be fine with fine.

Expand full comment
author

That constant striving for happiness is so unhealthy isn't it? I find there's a tight relationship between it and toxic positivity too, which has done a real number on my brain over the years. I love your approach of giving yourself slack on both sides of the contentment line too - it's juset as important to let ourselves be just fine and let ourselves strive sometimes. x

Expand full comment
Jun 1, 2023Liked by Brooke McAlary

Lynette, I completely relate to being a "recovering perfectionist" and how the atmosphere of constant striving, self-improvement, etc can be almost 'triggering'. Statistically, we can't all be amazing at everything! It's not realistic, yet we put (although well-intentioned) pressure on ourselves to "be better" and wear it as a badge of honor. There's something so grounding about knowing and accepting that we are enough, complete, and worthy in our current state of being, whatever that may look like. That doesn't mean we lack the self-awareness around our opportunities for growth; what I think it does mean is we're currently at peace with where we're at, and intentionally and consciously deciding where we choose to pursue growth vs. not.

Expand full comment
author

I couldn't agree with all of this more Stefanie! Thank you 💚💚

Expand full comment
Jun 1, 2023Liked by Brooke McAlary

I've always wanted nothing more than to be content, to be good enough, to be fine. I remember once loooong looong ago having a conversation with my bestie about being content, she was horrified. How could I 'settle' for near enough, why wouldn't I strive all the damn time to be happy, glorious, joyous, living my best life? I felt like I'd been punched, like I was some kind of freak, I was actually quite shocked at my reaction to her (well meaning) comment. Since then I've kept my thoughts to myself, gritted my teeth through all the f@#$ing toxic positivity messages. I still find the toxic positivity messages exhausting and like a big fat red cross through me. Am I wrong, not welcome, to be excluded if I'm not 'good vibes only' all the time? I don't want to chase an ever moving goal post that's been set by someone else, usually a corporation with it's eyes on my money, I'm happy to be content. It's enough, near enough, good enough. Oops it seems this has struck a chord and launched my soapbox, so thanks for coming to my tedtalk.

cheers Kate

ps i never reread my comments, and they are usually full of typos and errors.

Expand full comment
author

I can absolutely see how that comment from your friend would have felt like that Kate. To put out there that you're looking to swim against the current is hard enough, but then to be judged for it by someone you trust is so hard. I'm glad you've kept swimming, but agree with you that the toxic positivity messaging is BRUTAL. So exhausting. You're not wrong or broken to push back against this stuff. You're attuned and values-aligned and that is so powerful. 💚

Expand full comment
Jun 1, 2023Liked by Brooke McAlary

Kate, isn't it interesting how people hear "settling" when what we actually say is "content"? It always makes me so curious when that happens. Also -- if I am choosing to "settle" in particular areas of my life, that is technically my choice and other people don't necessarily need to understand it or agree with it. Haven't totally thought this through yet, but your comment about your friends reaction got my wheels turning ;)

Expand full comment
Jun 1, 2023Liked by Brooke McAlary

that is technically my choice and other people don't necessarily need to understand it or agree with it. Yes that’s it. I think what hurt most of all was their inability to accept me and my decisions. Maybe it says more about them than me? I don’t know, I’m not good at writing my thoughts but your comment has also made me rethink it all.

Expand full comment

I can totally appreciate how/why that would have hurt. Appreciate you sharing more of your thinking (and I think you're great at writing your thoughts!)

Expand full comment
Jun 4, 2023Liked by Brooke McAlary

Hey Kate,

I feel it is countercultural to not keep wanting and striving in every aspect of our lives. It takes a level of self confidence to accept we are just fine in some areas and that’s okay.

Good on you 😉

Expand full comment
Jun 1, 2023Liked by Brooke McAlary

This post really spoke to me.

Many years ago I was talking to my psychologist about the man I was dating. It was serious, I had a lot of ambition and he had... none. I was trying to decide if it was a deal breaker for me, and agonised over it a lot.

Fast forward to post natal depression and motherhood causing a massive priority shift, and now I see that lack of ambition so differently. Thankfully my now husband is here to guide me through the release of my previous ambitions, and this thing I saw as a fatal flaw is one of the things I value most about him.

I'm currently seeking a career change, and struggling with this concept of good enough as I try to figure out what I want. I've not worked for a couple of years (since my second child) and want to leave a profession that I trained for, to do something that doesn't require that level of training. The problem is I don't know what the new job is. The perfectionism creeps in about making the right decision and the idea of reaching my potential leads me astray. The thing I do know is that a good enough job that supports the life I want with my family is most important to me.

Expand full comment
author

It's interesting how our perspective changes as we learn more about ourselves isn't it? I was probably very similar to you in my thoughts on ambition pre-kids and pre-postnatal depression, and it was only through everything I learned as a result of that period that I arrived at a very different perspective. I think that ability to unlearn and recalibrate, as you've been doing, will be a really positive thing for you as you move into the next season of life, and am excited for you to see what you find. (While knowing just how overwhelming and scary it might feel too) 💚

Expand full comment
Jun 1, 2023Liked by Brooke McAlary

Amy, thanks so much for sharing your experience with ambition, post natal depression/motherhood priority shifts, and now your upcoming career change. Good for you for being in touch with what's most important to you: a job that supports the life you want with your family. I think it's so important to have that kind of "north star" to guide you as you navigate your journey... wishing you all the best in this and I hope this community can be of support to you :)

Expand full comment
author

That's really lovely, Stefanie. xx

Expand full comment
Jun 4, 2023Liked by Brooke McAlary

Hey Amy,

It’s exciting and daunting to be looking to a new career direction. I’m sure with your heart and focus on what you want... the right opportunity will come your way.

Smiles,

Juanita

Expand full comment
Jun 3, 2023Liked by Brooke McAlary

Hi, sorry I'm a bit late commenting here but just wanted to say I've really enjoyed reading everyone's comments and perspectives. I myself gave up striving for overall happiness, it's just not achievable in this world of ups and downs, twists and turns. I'm quite happy with being just fine. Instead I look for snippets of pure happiness during the day - my first cup of coffee in the morning, cuddles with my cat, the first camellia bud opening, a beautiful sunset etc...

Expand full comment
author

Oh I love your snippets of pure happiness - what a beautiful way of putting it!!

Expand full comment
Jun 3, 2023Liked by Brooke McAlary

Yes, and yes! In my light understanding of Buddhism, there is the practice of “non-striving.” What a refreshing take on life. This practice allows us to land in the moment. It’s also more kind and less violent, if you will, towards ourselves and others.

Expand full comment
author

Ooh yeah, there's definitely something to be learnt there! I have to admit I still struggle with it, as I think most of us do, but being aware and recognising the benefits of non-striving means we're open to the possibility at least. We're not automatically always trying for betterment. Ill be thinking about this for ages 💚

Expand full comment
Jun 3, 2023Liked by Brooke McAlary

What a beautiful and insightful post. Thank you Brooke and everyone who commented, reading all your comments is so reassuring, it honestly feels like a warm hug. I'm in the mist of returning to work after 18months of maternity leave, to a job I love and had previously been completely absorbed by. I think I put alot of value on my work success as my measure of "happiness" ...now I have a totally new lense (an often horribly sleep deprived lense!). After reading your posts, I believe I am adjusting to being "content" with my work, while other parts of my life (marriage and mothering) being "excellent". Isn't that just the dream!!! Thank you xx

Expand full comment
author

I agree Tegan - such a warm hug of a comments section!! And it sounds like you're in such a great place as you head back to work. It's a huge transition, so makes sense that we would have to change our perspective, but so often we just expect ourselves to remain static within it. Recognising that we've changed is so powerful. Good luck as you ease back in 💚💚

Expand full comment
Jun 3, 2023Liked by Brooke McAlary

You know I actually think that contentment is the trickier goal. We can all be happy some of the time but I don't think anyone can be happy all of the time. Contentment on the other hand speaks of practice and patience and gratitude. Contentment to me speaks of inner peace, which as we all know, takes much practice and work on ourselves to achieve. Contentment says to the world, I may not have this or that or look successful to you or you, or be doing or saying the things that society expects of me, but that's okay, because I got this and I know who I am and where I'm going. If I could achieve contentment, I would be very happy indeed (pun intended) xx

Expand full comment
author

I agree Susan. I think that's why the irony of chasing happiness hits so hard - I've found more of it by learning to look for contentment rather than chasing joy and delight at all times. 💚

Expand full comment
Jun 2, 2023Liked by Brooke McAlary

Wow I love this post Brooke. I felt a wave of relief just reading this and all the comments, I feel like I just found my tribe of people. I thought I was a bit of loner aiming for contentment. For me happiness is a feeling you get from moments and memories, not a life status. I almost think of contentment as beyond happiness (maybe I just mean better than?) for me contentment is when you realise this is enough, this is all you need. You feel like you can breathe a little slower and longer and you’re ok with who you are. Anything on top of that in life is a bonus!

Expand full comment
author

You're definitely not alone, Leah! You've found your people 💚💚

Expand full comment
Jun 2, 2023·edited Jun 2, 2023Liked by Brooke McAlary

I think society expecting us to be super-awesome, happy, wow, etc etc all the time is linked with the perceived need to be "busy" because if you're not, then you're somehow lacking. Even when I was teaching full-time, and I certainly WAS busy, I tried to resist always answering the ubiquitous "how are you?" with "BUSY!" But it wasn't easy to answer differently and still feel valid.

A long-running campaign here after the earthquakes in 2010-11 was "It's alright.....to feel anxious/worried etc... but also to laugh/enjoy yourself....in other words feel the whole range of human emotions. I'd like to add to that, in light of the wonderful thread here, that it's alright to feel/be just "fine"

Expand full comment
author

I feel that too Winsome - the whole 'busy' thing. I've been made to feel (or I've allowed myself to feel) less than because of a perceived lack of ambition or drive when I talk about slowing down. Part of me gets a bit mad about it, and part of me loves bucking the status quo 😆

Expand full comment
Jun 1, 2023Liked by Brooke McAlary

Since choosing contentment over happiness last year, I have felt genuinely chill and, ironically perhaps, happier.

Expand full comment
author

Yes! That's the secret sauce maybe? Contentment, even if we think it's choosing to settle, is what actually unlocks happiness? It's so great, and I love that you're finding that space for yourself. 💚

Expand full comment

This was so timely for me. The other day I was doing some reflection and asked "what am I closing the door to?" and the answer was "Mediocrity". It struck me reading this what that really means to me...for me, it means blah, unchosen, default. And it's opposite isn't greatness, more, bigger; the opposite of mediocrity to me is choice, is gratitude. It is a mindset more than a statement about the good-enough-ness of my life. Mediocrity is this funny combination of believing that things can't be better at the same time as not feeling like it's enough.

Expand full comment
author

Oh I LOVE this definition of mediocrity, Robin. I was going to call this piece 'On mediocrity' but it didn't quite sit right, and I think you might have nailed the reason why. "Mediocrity is this funny combination of believing that things can't be better at the same time as not feeling like it's enough." Great food for thought here 💚

Expand full comment
Jun 4, 2023Liked by Brooke McAlary

What a great conversation, thanks Brooke for sparking it! When I was a social work student in the 90’s I had a lovely practice teacher who gave me an article titled “Dare to be Average” which had a huge impact on my approach to life, basically it talked about focus on the process rather than the goal in order to enjoy life and ironically probably to get a more desired result! Later in my career I was lucky to be a part of an “occupational mindfulness” course which steered me towards managing stress more effectively and getting so much more out of the “ordinary”. I have since been following simple living (thanks Brooke) and a lot of Buddhist principles in an effort to sidestep the pressures that come from the mainstream. I feel my life has been so much more satisfying for all the above. I agree with Tegan this thread is like a warm hug, thanks everyone for sharing such personal and insightful stories, lots of food for thought!! 🙏

Expand full comment
author

I love looking back and seeing how inputs like that article and course influence choices over time - it's so cool to see how you've applied them to your life! And I agree, there is such a joy in sidestepping the mainstream. I think it partly comes from the direct benefits, and for me at least, partly from living outside the mainstream. (My inner rebel I think!!)

Expand full comment

Yes, happy AND optimised! It's a big ask of ourselves. Impossible.

For me, contentment IS happiness. It has been our mistake to define happiness by future and momentary gains on the outside. True happiness (contentment) happens on the inside. When we say we want to be "happy" or "content", I think what we really mean is that we want inner peace. No more of the distraction, judgement and yearning we feel when we believe that making things go our way will make ourselves and our lives better. Instead, we savour all that we have already. And, from that rich place, we can still reach for dreams or goals but while holding them more lightly, seeing them as play, not necessary to our wellbeing.

Expand full comment
author

Oh yes, I like this a lot Julie - especially what you say about reaching for our goals while holding them more lightly. It's not a matter of having zero goals or never wanting to improve, but about how to hold them more gently. I still need to learn/relearn how to allow for two or more things being true at once, and this is a great example of how to practise. Thank you!! 💚

Expand full comment

I like what you say about being able to hold two things that may appear to be opposites at once. We humans like things black and white but being able to accommodate life's complexities is a sign we're getting wiser!

Expand full comment
Jun 1, 2023Liked by Brooke McAlary

Being content can be and I'd being happy is fine with me. I'm okay with who I am today . Yes years earlier I'd push to be better, but, where did it get me....more headaches, tiredness, lees time for me and "my" life,sooo..... Today I am happy and content and I'm enough. Life is good 😁

Expand full comment
author

This made me smile so much Kodey! "Today I am happy and content and I'm enough. Life is good." What a place to land. 💚💚

Expand full comment
Jun 3, 2023Liked by Brooke McAlary

Thanks for a wonderful and honest post Brooke, I so love all that you share. I’ve learnt over the last 10 or so years (whilst slowing down and simplifying my whole life), that happiness is a lovely byproduct of simple living, and seems to come about as a result of living a life aligned to your values, and feeling connected, in whatever way that works for each of us. 🙏

Expand full comment
author

I'm beginning to see more and more the role that values play in all of this too. Stefanie above mentioned using our values to steer our efforts in life, and I think there's something really powerful in that, as well as your point on feeling more content when we do. It's a chicken/egg situation I think, with no wrong answer! 💚

Expand full comment