I love this message... any chance you’re a reader of Anne Helen Petersen’s Substack? She had a piece on optimisation last week which I loved as well.
I’ve been on a very long journey to being just fine - growing up, it was reinforced for me that if I couldn’t do something great, even perfect, it was better not to even try. I held myself back from so many things because I knew I wasn’t going to be excellent at them. As an adult I’m trying to unlearn that, big time. I’ve started indoor rock climbing, despite being short and kind of chunky, at the age of 32, and I will never be great at it and it’s still so fun! And even if I’ll never be great, I can still work hard at it and improve my own skills.
I work in a just-fine job because it’s flexible and it’s very secure and it pays just fine. To be fair, I have excellent in other areas of my life, like my marriage. But I think I’ve accepted that it’s okay to be a just-fine person; I don’t need to be famous or influential or even beautiful to deserve happiness and love. And sometimes it’s even easier to experience happiness when you’re okay with just-fine; when you’re not trying to pin down the fleeting wonderful moments or expecting them to last forever. Sometimes the contrast between the pure joy of something and the regular everydayness of life makes it even sweeter.
Another 'fine' newsletter Brooke! As a recovering perfectionist, the goal of striving to be happy all the frigging time is/ has been unworkable and unhealthy. I'm a yoga teacher and there is a
Sanskrit word for concontent- 'Santosha' - one of the Niyama's for you Yogis out there and it's how I prefer to live my life...but I'm human so I give myself some slack and be 'fine' about that too!! Thank you for reminding us all, that it is more than ok to be fine with fine.
I've always wanted nothing more than to be content, to be good enough, to be fine. I remember once loooong looong ago having a conversation with my bestie about being content, she was horrified. How could I 'settle' for near enough, why wouldn't I strive all the damn time to be happy, glorious, joyous, living my best life? I felt like I'd been punched, like I was some kind of freak, I was actually quite shocked at my reaction to her (well meaning) comment. Since then I've kept my thoughts to myself, gritted my teeth through all the f@#$ing toxic positivity messages. I still find the toxic positivity messages exhausting and like a big fat red cross through me. Am I wrong, not welcome, to be excluded if I'm not 'good vibes only' all the time? I don't want to chase an ever moving goal post that's been set by someone else, usually a corporation with it's eyes on my money, I'm happy to be content. It's enough, near enough, good enough. Oops it seems this has struck a chord and launched my soapbox, so thanks for coming to my tedtalk.
cheers Kate
ps i never reread my comments, and they are usually full of typos and errors.
Many years ago I was talking to my psychologist about the man I was dating. It was serious, I had a lot of ambition and he had... none. I was trying to decide if it was a deal breaker for me, and agonised over it a lot.
Fast forward to post natal depression and motherhood causing a massive priority shift, and now I see that lack of ambition so differently. Thankfully my now husband is here to guide me through the release of my previous ambitions, and this thing I saw as a fatal flaw is one of the things I value most about him.
I'm currently seeking a career change, and struggling with this concept of good enough as I try to figure out what I want. I've not worked for a couple of years (since my second child) and want to leave a profession that I trained for, to do something that doesn't require that level of training. The problem is I don't know what the new job is. The perfectionism creeps in about making the right decision and the idea of reaching my potential leads me astray. The thing I do know is that a good enough job that supports the life I want with my family is most important to me.
Hi, sorry I'm a bit late commenting here but just wanted to say I've really enjoyed reading everyone's comments and perspectives. I myself gave up striving for overall happiness, it's just not achievable in this world of ups and downs, twists and turns. I'm quite happy with being just fine. Instead I look for snippets of pure happiness during the day - my first cup of coffee in the morning, cuddles with my cat, the first camellia bud opening, a beautiful sunset etc...
Yes, and yes! In my light understanding of Buddhism, there is the practice of “non-striving.” What a refreshing take on life. This practice allows us to land in the moment. It’s also more kind and less violent, if you will, towards ourselves and others.
What a beautiful and insightful post. Thank you Brooke and everyone who commented, reading all your comments is so reassuring, it honestly feels like a warm hug. I'm in the mist of returning to work after 18months of maternity leave, to a job I love and had previously been completely absorbed by. I think I put alot of value on my work success as my measure of "happiness" ...now I have a totally new lense (an often horribly sleep deprived lense!). After reading your posts, I believe I am adjusting to being "content" with my work, while other parts of my life (marriage and mothering) being "excellent". Isn't that just the dream!!! Thank you xx
You know I actually think that contentment is the trickier goal. We can all be happy some of the time but I don't think anyone can be happy all of the time. Contentment on the other hand speaks of practice and patience and gratitude. Contentment to me speaks of inner peace, which as we all know, takes much practice and work on ourselves to achieve. Contentment says to the world, I may not have this or that or look successful to you or you, or be doing or saying the things that society expects of me, but that's okay, because I got this and I know who I am and where I'm going. If I could achieve contentment, I would be very happy indeed (pun intended) xx
Wow I love this post Brooke. I felt a wave of relief just reading this and all the comments, I feel like I just found my tribe of people. I thought I was a bit of loner aiming for contentment. For me happiness is a feeling you get from moments and memories, not a life status. I almost think of contentment as beyond happiness (maybe I just mean better than?) for me contentment is when you realise this is enough, this is all you need. You feel like you can breathe a little slower and longer and you’re ok with who you are. Anything on top of that in life is a bonus!
Jun 2, 2023·edited Jun 2, 2023Liked by Brooke McAlary
I think society expecting us to be super-awesome, happy, wow, etc etc all the time is linked with the perceived need to be "busy" because if you're not, then you're somehow lacking. Even when I was teaching full-time, and I certainly WAS busy, I tried to resist always answering the ubiquitous "how are you?" with "BUSY!" But it wasn't easy to answer differently and still feel valid.
A long-running campaign here after the earthquakes in 2010-11 was "It's alright.....to feel anxious/worried etc... but also to laugh/enjoy yourself....in other words feel the whole range of human emotions. I'd like to add to that, in light of the wonderful thread here, that it's alright to feel/be just "fine"
This was so timely for me. The other day I was doing some reflection and asked "what am I closing the door to?" and the answer was "Mediocrity". It struck me reading this what that really means to me...for me, it means blah, unchosen, default. And it's opposite isn't greatness, more, bigger; the opposite of mediocrity to me is choice, is gratitude. It is a mindset more than a statement about the good-enough-ness of my life. Mediocrity is this funny combination of believing that things can't be better at the same time as not feeling like it's enough.
What a great conversation, thanks Brooke for sparking it! When I was a social work student in the 90’s I had a lovely practice teacher who gave me an article titled “Dare to be Average” which had a huge impact on my approach to life, basically it talked about focus on the process rather than the goal in order to enjoy life and ironically probably to get a more desired result! Later in my career I was lucky to be a part of an “occupational mindfulness” course which steered me towards managing stress more effectively and getting so much more out of the “ordinary”. I have since been following simple living (thanks Brooke) and a lot of Buddhist principles in an effort to sidestep the pressures that come from the mainstream. I feel my life has been so much more satisfying for all the above. I agree with Tegan this thread is like a warm hug, thanks everyone for sharing such personal and insightful stories, lots of food for thought!! 🙏
Yes, happy AND optimised! It's a big ask of ourselves. Impossible.
For me, contentment IS happiness. It has been our mistake to define happiness by future and momentary gains on the outside. True happiness (contentment) happens on the inside. When we say we want to be "happy" or "content", I think what we really mean is that we want inner peace. No more of the distraction, judgement and yearning we feel when we believe that making things go our way will make ourselves and our lives better. Instead, we savour all that we have already. And, from that rich place, we can still reach for dreams or goals but while holding them more lightly, seeing them as play, not necessary to our wellbeing.
Being content can be and I'd being happy is fine with me. I'm okay with who I am today . Yes years earlier I'd push to be better, but, where did it get me....more headaches, tiredness, lees time for me and "my" life,sooo..... Today I am happy and content and I'm enough. Life is good 😁
Thanks for a wonderful and honest post Brooke, I so love all that you share. I’ve learnt over the last 10 or so years (whilst slowing down and simplifying my whole life), that happiness is a lovely byproduct of simple living, and seems to come about as a result of living a life aligned to your values, and feeling connected, in whatever way that works for each of us. 🙏
I love this message... any chance you’re a reader of Anne Helen Petersen’s Substack? She had a piece on optimisation last week which I loved as well.
I’ve been on a very long journey to being just fine - growing up, it was reinforced for me that if I couldn’t do something great, even perfect, it was better not to even try. I held myself back from so many things because I knew I wasn’t going to be excellent at them. As an adult I’m trying to unlearn that, big time. I’ve started indoor rock climbing, despite being short and kind of chunky, at the age of 32, and I will never be great at it and it’s still so fun! And even if I’ll never be great, I can still work hard at it and improve my own skills.
I work in a just-fine job because it’s flexible and it’s very secure and it pays just fine. To be fair, I have excellent in other areas of my life, like my marriage. But I think I’ve accepted that it’s okay to be a just-fine person; I don’t need to be famous or influential or even beautiful to deserve happiness and love. And sometimes it’s even easier to experience happiness when you’re okay with just-fine; when you’re not trying to pin down the fleeting wonderful moments or expecting them to last forever. Sometimes the contrast between the pure joy of something and the regular everydayness of life makes it even sweeter.
Another 'fine' newsletter Brooke! As a recovering perfectionist, the goal of striving to be happy all the frigging time is/ has been unworkable and unhealthy. I'm a yoga teacher and there is a
Sanskrit word for concontent- 'Santosha' - one of the Niyama's for you Yogis out there and it's how I prefer to live my life...but I'm human so I give myself some slack and be 'fine' about that too!! Thank you for reminding us all, that it is more than ok to be fine with fine.
I've always wanted nothing more than to be content, to be good enough, to be fine. I remember once loooong looong ago having a conversation with my bestie about being content, she was horrified. How could I 'settle' for near enough, why wouldn't I strive all the damn time to be happy, glorious, joyous, living my best life? I felt like I'd been punched, like I was some kind of freak, I was actually quite shocked at my reaction to her (well meaning) comment. Since then I've kept my thoughts to myself, gritted my teeth through all the f@#$ing toxic positivity messages. I still find the toxic positivity messages exhausting and like a big fat red cross through me. Am I wrong, not welcome, to be excluded if I'm not 'good vibes only' all the time? I don't want to chase an ever moving goal post that's been set by someone else, usually a corporation with it's eyes on my money, I'm happy to be content. It's enough, near enough, good enough. Oops it seems this has struck a chord and launched my soapbox, so thanks for coming to my tedtalk.
cheers Kate
ps i never reread my comments, and they are usually full of typos and errors.
This post really spoke to me.
Many years ago I was talking to my psychologist about the man I was dating. It was serious, I had a lot of ambition and he had... none. I was trying to decide if it was a deal breaker for me, and agonised over it a lot.
Fast forward to post natal depression and motherhood causing a massive priority shift, and now I see that lack of ambition so differently. Thankfully my now husband is here to guide me through the release of my previous ambitions, and this thing I saw as a fatal flaw is one of the things I value most about him.
I'm currently seeking a career change, and struggling with this concept of good enough as I try to figure out what I want. I've not worked for a couple of years (since my second child) and want to leave a profession that I trained for, to do something that doesn't require that level of training. The problem is I don't know what the new job is. The perfectionism creeps in about making the right decision and the idea of reaching my potential leads me astray. The thing I do know is that a good enough job that supports the life I want with my family is most important to me.
Hi, sorry I'm a bit late commenting here but just wanted to say I've really enjoyed reading everyone's comments and perspectives. I myself gave up striving for overall happiness, it's just not achievable in this world of ups and downs, twists and turns. I'm quite happy with being just fine. Instead I look for snippets of pure happiness during the day - my first cup of coffee in the morning, cuddles with my cat, the first camellia bud opening, a beautiful sunset etc...
Yes, and yes! In my light understanding of Buddhism, there is the practice of “non-striving.” What a refreshing take on life. This practice allows us to land in the moment. It’s also more kind and less violent, if you will, towards ourselves and others.
What a beautiful and insightful post. Thank you Brooke and everyone who commented, reading all your comments is so reassuring, it honestly feels like a warm hug. I'm in the mist of returning to work after 18months of maternity leave, to a job I love and had previously been completely absorbed by. I think I put alot of value on my work success as my measure of "happiness" ...now I have a totally new lense (an often horribly sleep deprived lense!). After reading your posts, I believe I am adjusting to being "content" with my work, while other parts of my life (marriage and mothering) being "excellent". Isn't that just the dream!!! Thank you xx
You know I actually think that contentment is the trickier goal. We can all be happy some of the time but I don't think anyone can be happy all of the time. Contentment on the other hand speaks of practice and patience and gratitude. Contentment to me speaks of inner peace, which as we all know, takes much practice and work on ourselves to achieve. Contentment says to the world, I may not have this or that or look successful to you or you, or be doing or saying the things that society expects of me, but that's okay, because I got this and I know who I am and where I'm going. If I could achieve contentment, I would be very happy indeed (pun intended) xx
Wow I love this post Brooke. I felt a wave of relief just reading this and all the comments, I feel like I just found my tribe of people. I thought I was a bit of loner aiming for contentment. For me happiness is a feeling you get from moments and memories, not a life status. I almost think of contentment as beyond happiness (maybe I just mean better than?) for me contentment is when you realise this is enough, this is all you need. You feel like you can breathe a little slower and longer and you’re ok with who you are. Anything on top of that in life is a bonus!
I think society expecting us to be super-awesome, happy, wow, etc etc all the time is linked with the perceived need to be "busy" because if you're not, then you're somehow lacking. Even when I was teaching full-time, and I certainly WAS busy, I tried to resist always answering the ubiquitous "how are you?" with "BUSY!" But it wasn't easy to answer differently and still feel valid.
A long-running campaign here after the earthquakes in 2010-11 was "It's alright.....to feel anxious/worried etc... but also to laugh/enjoy yourself....in other words feel the whole range of human emotions. I'd like to add to that, in light of the wonderful thread here, that it's alright to feel/be just "fine"
Since choosing contentment over happiness last year, I have felt genuinely chill and, ironically perhaps, happier.
This was so timely for me. The other day I was doing some reflection and asked "what am I closing the door to?" and the answer was "Mediocrity". It struck me reading this what that really means to me...for me, it means blah, unchosen, default. And it's opposite isn't greatness, more, bigger; the opposite of mediocrity to me is choice, is gratitude. It is a mindset more than a statement about the good-enough-ness of my life. Mediocrity is this funny combination of believing that things can't be better at the same time as not feeling like it's enough.
What a great conversation, thanks Brooke for sparking it! When I was a social work student in the 90’s I had a lovely practice teacher who gave me an article titled “Dare to be Average” which had a huge impact on my approach to life, basically it talked about focus on the process rather than the goal in order to enjoy life and ironically probably to get a more desired result! Later in my career I was lucky to be a part of an “occupational mindfulness” course which steered me towards managing stress more effectively and getting so much more out of the “ordinary”. I have since been following simple living (thanks Brooke) and a lot of Buddhist principles in an effort to sidestep the pressures that come from the mainstream. I feel my life has been so much more satisfying for all the above. I agree with Tegan this thread is like a warm hug, thanks everyone for sharing such personal and insightful stories, lots of food for thought!! 🙏
Yes, happy AND optimised! It's a big ask of ourselves. Impossible.
For me, contentment IS happiness. It has been our mistake to define happiness by future and momentary gains on the outside. True happiness (contentment) happens on the inside. When we say we want to be "happy" or "content", I think what we really mean is that we want inner peace. No more of the distraction, judgement and yearning we feel when we believe that making things go our way will make ourselves and our lives better. Instead, we savour all that we have already. And, from that rich place, we can still reach for dreams or goals but while holding them more lightly, seeing them as play, not necessary to our wellbeing.
Being content can be and I'd being happy is fine with me. I'm okay with who I am today . Yes years earlier I'd push to be better, but, where did it get me....more headaches, tiredness, lees time for me and "my" life,sooo..... Today I am happy and content and I'm enough. Life is good 😁
Thanks for a wonderful and honest post Brooke, I so love all that you share. I’ve learnt over the last 10 or so years (whilst slowing down and simplifying my whole life), that happiness is a lovely byproduct of simple living, and seems to come about as a result of living a life aligned to your values, and feeling connected, in whatever way that works for each of us. 🙏