Happiness is for losers

What if, and hear me out, we embraced our average, middling selves?

(This voiceover is an audio version of the newsletter below. It’s unedited, and today you might hear Ben stoking the fire in the background and his phone ringing. If you like/need to listen to these posts I hope you enjoy it regardless!)

Whale watching, 2016

Way back in the blogging heyday, the godmother of Australian simple living, Rhonda Hetzel, wrote something very wise about finding ease in life. Unfortunately, it’s since been lost to the void of the internet or my terrible memory, but was along the lines of, “Try to aim for contentment rather than strive for happiness.”

I felt very attacked by it.

“Why would I ever aim for mere contentment,” I wondered, “when happiness is so much better?”

Because happiness is what we’re all looking for, right? It’s what we’re all trying to buy, to improve towards, to find in ourselves once we reach a certain goal.

I’ll be happy when… I get this job.
I’ll be happy when… these jeans fit.
I’ll be happy when… the house is ready for visitors.
I’ll be happy when… the baby sleeps through the night.
I’ll be happy when… my boss approves my annual leave.
I’ll be happy when… they respond to my email.

Happiness is the carrot we dangle in front of ourselves, eking out slightly better and better outcomes until (presumably) we finally arrive in Happy Town and spend the rest of our days lolling about in delight at having made it.

Or, at least I thought happiness was the carrot. But these days it’s not enough to be happy. These days, we must be optimised. We must have our eyes on the prize of… infinite improvement? An ever-growing bottom line? Living forever?

Happiness, it turns out, is for losers.

It took me several years, but I eventually caught on to the wisdom of Rhonda’s advice. She is much kinder and gentler than I am, so would probably never say something as crass as this, but when it comes to relentless self-optimisation, I call bullshit. It’s a fool’s errand.

There is no doubt in my mind that we experience diminishing returns on our efforts to optimise, meaning that at some point, the tiny gains we make are outweighed by the stress and effort of trying to achieve them.

And somewhat controversially, I’d say the same goes for chasing happiness. If we tell ourselves we’ll be happy once we reach this specific goal, only to find another, slightly better one hiding behind it (a promotion! slightly smaller jeans! a marginally more exciting email!) at some point we must choose — keep chasing or get comfortable with contentment.

And yes, that often means getting comfortable with not being the best. Cosying up to the idea of being average, run-of-the-mill, or, as my kids would say…mid.

I used to think that was depressing, and accepting mediocrity is certainly not my default. But these days I’m all in on Team Contentment. A big fan of Team Average. Captain of Team Just Fine.

These clothes? Just fine.
This garden? Just fine.
Weekend plans? Just fine.
Our friendship? Just fine.

It feels almost treasonous to say, but what would happen if we all chose to ignore the relentless pursuit of ever better and accept that it’s okay — no, it’s goddamn delightful — to be just fine?

Just fine can be wonderful. Just fine can be bathed in contentment and enoughness and pleasure at actually enjoying it. Because just fine is not constantly looking beyond itself, to the next, slightly better and therefore more appealing version of whatever we have now.

Just fine can, in a plot-twist no-one saw coming, actually make us happy.

For what it’s worth, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting to feel better, be more effective at our job or become a more engaged friend. But there is a difference between wanting to grow and wanting to optimise ourselves for no other reason than we think we should. One is an internal desire to evolve, the other is in response to external pressures. And when we allow ourselves to aim for better/faster/hotter because someone else is telling us to, it then it becomes a question of what do we once we are better? Do we aim to be even better than that? Then better again? Do we strive and reach and grind for increasingly tiny gains? That doesn’t sound like it would make us very happy.

At some point, we have to stop. We have to choose to be content. And we have to recognise that while it’s okay to want to be better, we can’t be better at everything. Some parts of life, we’re always going to be average. Mediocre. Middling. And while the optimisation bros might shudder, the thought brings me a ridiculous amount of delight.

I’m curious — how do you feel about the pursuit of happiness? Contentment? Optimisation? Are there different areas of life that you’re okay with just being okay, while others you feel the need for more? Inquiring minds want to know!

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I’m Currently…

Listening to a new track !! by my favourite Canadian stoke-folk band, Shred Kelly. Cracks in the Finish is beautiful and sad and happy and rocky and on repeat.

I have so many wonderful memories soundtracked by this band, to the point where I couldn’t listen to them for over a year on account of crying my eyes out. But they’re back and I’m back to them and bloody delighted about it. If you’re Canadian and get a chance to see them on tour this summer, they are hands-down the most fun band to see live. Go check them out. Then make sure they play The Bear:

Thinking about the finale of Succession. I’m a bit obsessed.

Devouring Isles of the Gods, the newest book by

Amie Kaufman: Finding North

. Such a fun, completely immersive, seafaring magical story. YA fantasy at its finest.

Celebrating the first official day of winter by standing in front of the fire for a little too long and feeling all rosy-cheeked and sleepy.

Laughing at myself. After writing this whole post about being okay with being just fine, I asked Ben to read it over. He looked at me and, smart-arse that he is, said, ‘Yep, it’s fine.’ The irony is not lost that all I could say was, ‘But I want it to be excellent!’

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That’s it for another week, mates. For paying subscribers, I’ll be back on Sunday with a wrap-up of my 1% efforts for May (because apparently it’s already June?!) but otherwise, I’ll be seeing you next week.

I hope your weekend is just fine.
Brooke xx