The load immediately lightens when I understand that the critical voices are just thoughts which come and go if I don’t hang onto them. I don’t have to do anything about them other than know they will float away like clouds.
Great post, I think we all carry around unhelpful things someone has said, internalize it as though it’s gospel, or applies to us. I try to remember this Buddha saying ‘ Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense’. Xx
Thank you for this thoughtful post. I used to care very much what other people thought of me. I asked for everyone's opinion when I needed to make a decision. I wanted to be liked and be a part of the popular group. Something shifted when I had kids. There were challenges and the advice people shared wasn't helpful. I learned to trust my instincts and become the mama bear. I stood my ground with doctors and my parents who felt they knew more than me. I became stronger and I didn't look for outside advice...as much. I still love a list of "best of" when researching clothes or running shoes. Other than that, I am not interested in people telling me what is "right". I am moving away from the social media traps, and leaning into quiet, slow, nature, creativity and true connection. These matter the most and when I shine my spotlight and focus on them the rest quiets.
Recently a great visualization came to me—when unwanted or critical or demanding people or voices appear, I imagine a wave taking them on a wild and wonderful body surfing ride far far away. They are laughing at the end of it and I am left feeling free and also delighted! 🌊👋🌊
"A broom-powered epiphany" Perfect. There's something about the soothingness (soothingness? :) of sweeping the floor that calms the mind ~ so much more restful than the noisy vacuum cleaner! The cat prefers the broom, too.
I have been a people-pleaser all my life and I know exactly where I got it from - thanks, Mum 🥰 In my sixties, I despair of ever really managing to shake that persona off BUT I'm going to renew my efforts and keep on trying. Lining up a few instances of saying "no" as we speak. Watch this space.
Brooke, even though it took you weeks to write this post, I am very grateful that you did. I often deliberate putting my own work or thoughts out there and then decide to play it safe and keep them to myself. I am inspired by you to bravely keep going, even when the internal critic is loud. “
do you think learning to turn the volume down on those voices might lighten the load?” Is the question you asked that I will keep turning over in my head in the coming days. Turning the volume down on those voices I think happens for me when I prioritize the smaller pleasures in life. I started a list, as you suggested. And I consists of things like, 5 deep rib cage expanding breaths. A long squat where I place my hands on the earth and feel into the stretch. Looking into my children’s eyes when they tell me a story. If I take the time to do those things, and others, I’ve found the volume of voices that are not my own, that bring shame and critical judgements, are quieter.
I love your focus on rebellion, and I so appreciated how Ben finally came around to your idea that prioritizing pleasure IS rebellious. I agree!!! I feel like I still have to have that conversation with myself sometimes though :) thank you both for showing up and sharing with us!
I like the list you put together. I find that getting into my body is one of the quickest ways for me to be present. Walking is my go to, but breathing is the simplest. Sometimes during my yoga practice, I will do 20 squats. I like to go nice and slow and match my breath with my movement. I feel empowered and focused. It is perfect right before writing.
Your words always resonate with me, lifting up a small voice inside me. Kind of the opposite of what you spoke about in this post, of quieting the voices.
As I compose this response, I think the word “resonate” is the key. It’s about listening for that hum inside me that reverberates with the messages floating all around. And sometimes, in order to hear that hum, I have to go to extraordinary lengths to get quiet. When I’m able to do that, and I really listen, I can practice discerning which of the voices resonate with my core being and values, and which are just noise.
And in the end, this is all part of the slowing down. We slow so that we can take the time to listen and practice and grow.
Thanks for finding the time and space and courage to share your thoughts. :)
Me too! I lose the ability to connect within when I am being bombarded by too many images and external noise. I am learning how to recognize this sooner so that I can tune out and tune in...to me.
I love your comment about feeling for what resonates with you, Jennie. I was just thinking I find it difficult to tell the difference between what are my ideas and thoughts and what is the culture’s or other’s that have been told to me over the years. But I do have a way, and as you said it involves becoming quiet and seeing what aligns with your values and what feels true and right to you. The same can be done with advice given from people in your life.
Great article, thank you for sharing. I'm grateful for this post (new subscriber) and for your fabulous podcast. It's pretty much the one and only podcast I listen to :) I'm enjoying catching up on 400 episodes lol.
New Substack follower, long-time Podcast listener here. I really appreciate the read-aloud version! Thank you for that. Where this post flipped a light on for me was when you said, "I know there was no ill intent in it, but that didn’t stop me from carrying it around needlessly, adding it to the voices in my head telling me all the ways I’m not quite good enough." This happens over and over for me and I'm also intent on turning down the volume of these voices. Thank you so much for writing this.
This is such a great post Brooke, with wonderful comments. I had never thought that part of the exhaustion of rebelling could be due to the voices we carry around but it makes perfect sense. What I have noticed (and it seems others have to!), during this 'peri menopausal year', is a definite shift away from listening to these voices. I always knew I shouldn't listen to them but could never quite make it happen. And it has been a burden. I know with certainty that it has stopped me living in alignment with my values, it has stopped me being the person I have wanted to be, and that is heartbreaking. It continues to be a huge work in progress, but the freedom that comes from no longer trying to please people, or feel the need to 'fit in', is empowering.
Brooke - This really hit home for me. I too am leaving behind my 'people pleasing' ways. Your words made me realize all the so called helpful advise that I carry around. Trying in my mind to prove that they are wrong. Breathe and let them be, I just try to tell myself. We don't have to take on their words or perspective. Your post helped me remember that and not worry that 'rebelling is exhausting'. but well worth to find myself.
I don’t struggle with this anymore. I’m also a reformed people pleaser, perimenopause cured me of that though! I’m sure that most people think that they’re being helpful with their comments, I listen, smile and say thanks. I retain what resonates with me and let the rest float away.
I wonder if getting old is a catalyst for change. I thought that it was my job as a mom and wife to put others ahead of my own needs. I was raised to be kind, and pleasing and not rock the boat. I finally feel confident in myself and my life to take that power back. I just don't care what people think of me or my life. I will attract the people I want to be with by being honest.
I hear you Brooke! I am slow too, and have a negative internal bias towards assuming negative intent of others over simply ‘not being for me’. It’s as if my conflict avoidance is so sensitive it perceives things that have nothing to do with me as criticisms. I am working on this because I believe it is a hurdle to deeper connection with others who lead different lives and have different perspectives.
My ‘other’ voices are almost indistinguishable from my own, so long, loud and persistent have they been. Still are if I’m honest, thankfully I am more aware of them now but they still bully me all the time.
I don’t even really know what I think about anything anymore, so busy am I trying to get it right to appease those voices.
The load immediately lightens when I understand that the critical voices are just thoughts which come and go if I don’t hang onto them. I don’t have to do anything about them other than know they will float away like clouds.
I love this Olga. Just let them float by.
Great post, I think we all carry around unhelpful things someone has said, internalize it as though it’s gospel, or applies to us. I try to remember this Buddha saying ‘ Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense’. Xx
Thank you for this thoughtful post. I used to care very much what other people thought of me. I asked for everyone's opinion when I needed to make a decision. I wanted to be liked and be a part of the popular group. Something shifted when I had kids. There were challenges and the advice people shared wasn't helpful. I learned to trust my instincts and become the mama bear. I stood my ground with doctors and my parents who felt they knew more than me. I became stronger and I didn't look for outside advice...as much. I still love a list of "best of" when researching clothes or running shoes. Other than that, I am not interested in people telling me what is "right". I am moving away from the social media traps, and leaning into quiet, slow, nature, creativity and true connection. These matter the most and when I shine my spotlight and focus on them the rest quiets.
Recently a great visualization came to me—when unwanted or critical or demanding people or voices appear, I imagine a wave taking them on a wild and wonderful body surfing ride far far away. They are laughing at the end of it and I am left feeling free and also delighted! 🌊👋🌊
This is a beautiful image. Thanks
Glad you connected with it! 💙
"A broom-powered epiphany" Perfect. There's something about the soothingness (soothingness? :) of sweeping the floor that calms the mind ~ so much more restful than the noisy vacuum cleaner! The cat prefers the broom, too.
I have been a people-pleaser all my life and I know exactly where I got it from - thanks, Mum 🥰 In my sixties, I despair of ever really managing to shake that persona off BUT I'm going to renew my efforts and keep on trying. Lining up a few instances of saying "no" as we speak. Watch this space.
Wonderful words as ever, Brooke 💚💚
Brooke, even though it took you weeks to write this post, I am very grateful that you did. I often deliberate putting my own work or thoughts out there and then decide to play it safe and keep them to myself. I am inspired by you to bravely keep going, even when the internal critic is loud. “
do you think learning to turn the volume down on those voices might lighten the load?” Is the question you asked that I will keep turning over in my head in the coming days. Turning the volume down on those voices I think happens for me when I prioritize the smaller pleasures in life. I started a list, as you suggested. And I consists of things like, 5 deep rib cage expanding breaths. A long squat where I place my hands on the earth and feel into the stretch. Looking into my children’s eyes when they tell me a story. If I take the time to do those things, and others, I’ve found the volume of voices that are not my own, that bring shame and critical judgements, are quieter.
I love your focus on rebellion, and I so appreciated how Ben finally came around to your idea that prioritizing pleasure IS rebellious. I agree!!! I feel like I still have to have that conversation with myself sometimes though :) thank you both for showing up and sharing with us!
I like the list you put together. I find that getting into my body is one of the quickest ways for me to be present. Walking is my go to, but breathing is the simplest. Sometimes during my yoga practice, I will do 20 squats. I like to go nice and slow and match my breath with my movement. I feel empowered and focused. It is perfect right before writing.
Dear Brooke,
Your words always resonate with me, lifting up a small voice inside me. Kind of the opposite of what you spoke about in this post, of quieting the voices.
As I compose this response, I think the word “resonate” is the key. It’s about listening for that hum inside me that reverberates with the messages floating all around. And sometimes, in order to hear that hum, I have to go to extraordinary lengths to get quiet. When I’m able to do that, and I really listen, I can practice discerning which of the voices resonate with my core being and values, and which are just noise.
And in the end, this is all part of the slowing down. We slow so that we can take the time to listen and practice and grow.
Thanks for finding the time and space and courage to share your thoughts. :)
Me too! I lose the ability to connect within when I am being bombarded by too many images and external noise. I am learning how to recognize this sooner so that I can tune out and tune in...to me.
I love your comment about feeling for what resonates with you, Jennie. I was just thinking I find it difficult to tell the difference between what are my ideas and thoughts and what is the culture’s or other’s that have been told to me over the years. But I do have a way, and as you said it involves becoming quiet and seeing what aligns with your values and what feels true and right to you. The same can be done with advice given from people in your life.
Great article, thank you for sharing. I'm grateful for this post (new subscriber) and for your fabulous podcast. It's pretty much the one and only podcast I listen to :) I'm enjoying catching up on 400 episodes lol.
Enjoy listening. So many things shifted from guests and topics on the podcast.
New Substack follower, long-time Podcast listener here. I really appreciate the read-aloud version! Thank you for that. Where this post flipped a light on for me was when you said, "I know there was no ill intent in it, but that didn’t stop me from carrying it around needlessly, adding it to the voices in my head telling me all the ways I’m not quite good enough." This happens over and over for me and I'm also intent on turning down the volume of these voices. Thank you so much for writing this.
This is such a great post Brooke, with wonderful comments. I had never thought that part of the exhaustion of rebelling could be due to the voices we carry around but it makes perfect sense. What I have noticed (and it seems others have to!), during this 'peri menopausal year', is a definite shift away from listening to these voices. I always knew I shouldn't listen to them but could never quite make it happen. And it has been a burden. I know with certainty that it has stopped me living in alignment with my values, it has stopped me being the person I have wanted to be, and that is heartbreaking. It continues to be a huge work in progress, but the freedom that comes from no longer trying to please people, or feel the need to 'fit in', is empowering.
Love this - ‘not relevant’ is the perfect way to look at and take the comments that don’t resonate regardless of their intention. Mind Blown 💥
Brooke - This really hit home for me. I too am leaving behind my 'people pleasing' ways. Your words made me realize all the so called helpful advise that I carry around. Trying in my mind to prove that they are wrong. Breathe and let them be, I just try to tell myself. We don't have to take on their words or perspective. Your post helped me remember that and not worry that 'rebelling is exhausting'. but well worth to find myself.
I don’t struggle with this anymore. I’m also a reformed people pleaser, perimenopause cured me of that though! I’m sure that most people think that they’re being helpful with their comments, I listen, smile and say thanks. I retain what resonates with me and let the rest float away.
I wonder if getting old is a catalyst for change. I thought that it was my job as a mom and wife to put others ahead of my own needs. I was raised to be kind, and pleasing and not rock the boat. I finally feel confident in myself and my life to take that power back. I just don't care what people think of me or my life. I will attract the people I want to be with by being honest.
Yes!! I was about to post something similar. There’s definitely a transformation as we age.
I hear you Brooke! I am slow too, and have a negative internal bias towards assuming negative intent of others over simply ‘not being for me’. It’s as if my conflict avoidance is so sensitive it perceives things that have nothing to do with me as criticisms. I am working on this because I believe it is a hurdle to deeper connection with others who lead different lives and have different perspectives.
Much to think about here.
My ‘other’ voices are almost indistinguishable from my own, so long, loud and persistent have they been. Still are if I’m honest, thankfully I am more aware of them now but they still bully me all the time.
I don’t even really know what I think about anything anymore, so busy am I trying to get it right to appease those voices.
These words are verbal soulfood
Nourishing, heartwarming, uplifting
They are a kind of absolution I need to give to myself.
I hope, they will linger in my brain for a long time.