The Pang™

It's a helpful, slightly annoying thing.

I struggle with the idea of enough-ness. Of being enough and doing enough.

I often find myself asking questions like: Do I do enough fun stuff with the kids? Do I call my sisters enough? What about my parents? Have I been a good enough friend? Am I using my voice and privilege enough? Do I give enough? Do I care enough? Am I enough?

I mean, it’s not like I’m aiming for the stars here, either. I’m merely hoping for enough. Not too little, not too much. Just… enough.

Over the years I’ve found some solace in reframing the idea of ‘enough’ as a long-term goal, rather than something I need to achieve every day. And now, as the world feels so heavy and hard and uncertain, I find myself coming back to this notion of long-term enough-ness over and over again.

When I do, the question of, “Do I do enough fun stuff with the kids?” stops being a stick I use to beat myself up and instead becomes an invitation to look back over the past week, month, six months. To remind myself of days at the beach, the trip to Melbourne, board games and campfires and stupid jokes around the dinner table. It becomes an opportunity to see it all as enough.

And, “Do I give enough?” is no longer an invitation to label myself selfish, but instead becomes permission to really consider the ways I do give. The work I do (paid and unpaid, visible and invisible), community care, volunteering, tiny kindnesses, boundaries (the creation and the defending) – it allows me to see that these are all valid and valuable. That they, too, are enough.

“Have I been a good enough friend?” also becomes an invitation. But, in this instance at least, it’s a pretty uncomfortable one, because it brings me face-to-face with The Pang.

You know The Pang?

It’s that almost physical jolt I feel deep in my gut when I ask myself if I’m doing enough and in response, all I hear is silence. Or even worse, a sure and quiet, “Actually, no.”

Pang. Jolt. Ugh.

As uncomfortable as it is, I’ve been trying to think of The Pang as a positive thing. The hardest part is reminding myself that it isn’t a judgement. It’s not a reminder of my failings or another way to measure my lack of enough-ness.

It, too, is an invitation.

Firstly, The Pang invites me to look a little closer. If I haven’t been a good enough friend lately – if texts have gone unanswered and calls unreturned, if I think of my friends but don’t let them know, if I’ve stopped making time to connect – why is that? Are there other, more immediate things at play in life right now? Family, health, work? If so, that’s fine. It’s life, and when viewed through a lens of self-compassion, I consider those things clear and valid reasons.

But what happens if I look and find there is no clear reason? Then The Pang invites me to dig a little deeper. To ask why I’ve disconnected. Is my mental health poor? Am I grappling with self-esteem stuff that keeps me locked away from people I love? Am I burnt out? Am I overthinking? Catastrophising? Giving in to self-sabotage? Being lazy? It’s harder to do, but I also try to view these answers through that same lens of self-compassion, to remind myself that these can be valid reasons too.

Which brings me to the second invitation The Pang offers - the invitation to make change.

First, it allows me to wonder:

Can I change the way I think about this? Are my expectations too high? Too low? How can I reduce them? Or increase them? Have my needs changed? Have I communicated that with my friend? Do I feel guilt/shame/fear? If so, why?

Then it allows me to ask:

What can I do differently? Or more specifically, what is one [tiny] action I can take that will move the needle ever-so-slightly in the right direction? Can I send a quick text explaining where I disappeared to and why? Can I write a letter? Can I call them?

It’s through this process - of acknowledging and accepting the invitations; of asking questions and settling in to the answers; of taking action, no matter how small - that I’ve realised enough-ness is a practise. It’s not a destination we can arrive at once.

I used to think The Pang was about guilt and shame, panic and regret. But now I think it’s merely an early-warning system that tells me when I’m out of alignment. A gentle reminder to check in, dig down and ask questions.

And I think that really is enough.

Brooke xx

---

And now…

To be honest, I’m not entirely sure what format these posts and newsletters will take yet, so I’m going to play around with a few ideas. Feel free to let me know in the comments what you want more/less of, what interests you about slow living, what would make your day better by landing in your inbox etc.

I think at least some of the time I’d like to include a simple recipe - one that’s flexible, simple and good for batch-cooking and freezing (two of my favourite slow-living tools) so today, I’m sharing a quick, tasty, whole-foods, plant-based soup.

Pumpkin, coconut and red curry soup

(Please note that I made this up last night so the measurements are pretty loose and forgiving, but the result is very delicious.)

Takes approx 45 minutes

Makes 6-8 serves (double or triple to make Future You very happy)

Ingredients:

• 1kg pumpkin, peeled and roughly cubed

• 2 tbsp coconut oil

• 2 large leeks, cleaned and roughly chopped (use a large onion instead if needed)

• 2 tbsp red curry paste

• 400ml coconut milk (check this post out for a simple way to make your own - I don’t even use the nut milk bag, just a regular sieve)

• tsp brown sugar

• 1 litre vegetable stock (check this post out for how to make your own veggie stock from kitchen scraps)

• salt and pepper to taste

Process:

• Heat oil in large saucepan over medium heat

• Cook leek for a couple of minutes until soft

• Add curry paste, cook for a minute

• Add pumpkin, stir to coat with oil

• Turn down heat, add sugar, cover and cook for 15 minutes, stirring occasionally

• Add stock and simmer until pumpkin is soft enough to squash with the wooden spoon

• Add coconut milk, salt and pepper. Cook for another few minutes.

• Blend. (Either use an immersion/stick blender or let soup cool slightly before blending in batches in your blender)

• Return to saucepan, reheat, taste and adjust seasoning as needed.

• Divide and freeze, or keep in the fridge for a week’s worth of lunches. Happy Days!

So that’s it for the first post on The Tortoise. Thank you so much for reading, and if you haven’t yet, please consider subscribing below or sharing it with your mates.