This voiceover is an audio version of the newsletter below. As always, it’s unedited so probably features some stutters and re-starts. If you like/need to listen to these posts I hope you enjoy it anyway.
Recently, I found myself preparing for a radio interview. It’s something I’ve done a hundred times over the years, maybe more. And every single time, I’ve been overwhelmed by nerves. Days before, I’m consumed by them, running through every possible worst-case scenario, convinced that this time, I’d forget how to speak. This time, I’d make a fool of myself. This time, it would be a disaster.
I’m not entirely sure where the fear comes from because I’ve never had a really horrible interview. I’ve definitely had some that were…not great, but nothing that would explain my sweat-stained, 3am (and 8am and 4:37pm) freak-outs.
Considering it’s been a couple of years between interviews though, I really thought this time would be different. I believed I was over my nerves. So when I booked this interview in, I told myself there was nothing to worry about, I’ve done it before, it will be fine — and I believed that for a while. A few days before, however, I heard them and their sniping, snickering voices. The Nerves were back.
I sat with them for a day or two, surrendering to the inevitable. “Here we go again,” I thought. But then, something new happened. I realised I wasn’t surrendering. I was just bored.
Bored of the same old story. Bored of trying to rationalise with myself. Bored of the stress I could feel building in my body, in ways I barely had capacity to deal with years ago and I definitely do not have now.
It brought to mind something
once wrote:“I've never seen any life transformation that didn't begin with the person in question finally getting tired of their own bullshit.”
I had finally grown tired of my own bullshit. So I decided that giving in to the Nerves is simply something I used to do.
Once I decided this (and it was a decision) suddenly, the Nerves got really quiet. They learned, at the same time I did, that listening to them was something a younger version of me had done, so that this version of me no longer had to.
The effect was pretty immediate. Of course I felt relief at putting down that particular worry, but mostly I felt gratitude. I was so grateful to that younger version of me for the work she put in, for the way she danced with the Nerves for so long, for the lessons she was learning, even when it felt like she was walking the same path over and over. I could see that it was only because of her that I was able to stop, turn around and take a new trail.
I’m not overstating it when I say that this idea has shifted things dramatically for me this year. When I feel myself circling back to old hang-ups and old patterns of behaviour, especially ones I know I’ve moved beyond in all ways except self-belief, I simply remind myself that it’s something I used to do.
I’ve applied it to writing, parenting, thoughts about health and well-being and all the things I should be doing. It’s helped me take a step forward when usually I’d stay stuck in the mud, and in doing so has given me a gentler way of looking at personal growth.
We don’t grow because we berate ourselves endlessly. We grow because we’re building new versions of ourselves on top of old ones, like a tower of delicious pancakes. And maybe a gentler way of doing that is by turning around and saying thank you to our younger selves for everything they’ve done, and then telling them, “I’ve got it from here.”
💚💚
Just a reminder that I’m currently on leave as I’m recovering from surgery. I’ve got posts scheduled to come out for the next few weeks, but I won’t be as across comments as normal for a while. Please keep the conversation going though, as I know it’s one of the things so many of us love most about The Tortoise, and I promise you I’ll read them as I’m able.
Before I go though, I just want to share a message from the legends over at Pip Magazine who are celebrating their 10th Anniversary this year.
Pip Australia’s leading permaculture and sustainability magazine and every edition is packed full of info on how to reduce waste, limit plastic use, compost, grow your own food, keeping chickens, fermenting, preserving, bee keeping, craft and DIY, recipes — basically it’s the perfect magazine for us here at The Tortoise.
They’ve got a special running at the moment, with anyone who subscribes this month will receive a FREE 2024 Pip Kitchen Garden Calendar. It’s a brilliant annual guide for vegetable growers — experienced and newbie kitchen gardeners alike — with monthly seasonal recipes, info on the fruit and veg in season each month, a moon planting guide and a Sow When poster, which details when to plant your favourite veggies across Australia’s five climates.
You can subscribe here: https://grow.pipmagazine.com.au/subscriptions/
Until next time, my friends, take good care.
Brooke xx
I love this Brooke and there’s great psychology behind sitting with your feelings rather than struggling with them or listening to them. But to look at your reactions as something the younger you did is a great technique that I’m going to borrow. As I grow older I’ve noticed there’s a lot of things I care less about (like what people think of me!) as I gradually gain the confidence to embrace the true version of me.
Hope your recovery is going smoothly 🤗💚
I love this Brooke. Thanks for sharing such a valuable insight. I am discovering there is genuine power and confidence to be had with age. Caring less about what others think and worrying less is difficult but needs to be saved for the big life events not the everyday things.
I hope you are resting and taking time to heal ❤️