How true and right this is. My youngest sister’s husband has terminal cancer and how I long to say something, anything to lessen her pain. But I’ve learned to just listen and sit with her and send along meals or little things to let her (and him! He’s so dear to me!) know I am thinking about and praying for them always. It feels so inadequate in the face of something terrible, but it’s all I can offer. And you’re right: candy and laughter are good medicine.❤️
We would give anything to take it away or make it less, and yet there's so little we can actually do about it. I feel so much for you and your family Julie. Sending you all the love and sweets and moments in the sunshine xxxx
I find when i’m trying to ‘console’ or just go through my own negative emotions I struggle with this balance of letting myself feel the negativity without wallowing in it, and trying to be resilient against it but without denying my rights to feel sad. You briefly mention that resilience and a positive attitude has a place but I’d be interested in what you mean by this and how to not get it confused with suppressing emotions?
Hi Holly! I'm so sorry for the delay in getting back to your comment — I've been thinking about it all week to be honest. I think there's no quick answer to your question, and for me it's a constant practise of trying to strike a balance. I think that the more I reflect on it, either by writing or thinking or tapping into the physical feelings of it all, the better I get at holding space for both. I think that facing the tough moments, letting them be what they are, helps to develop resilience and a positive attitude. And, vice versa.
I'm not sure if that makes sense, but if its okay with you I'd love to talk a bit more about this in the next episode of the podcast? (We usually do a reflection in the second part of the ep). Thanks again for asking it, and for being here! 💚
Yeh I think that does make sense. Maybe I’ve been looking at ‘resilience’ wrong. I think I’ve seen it as the ability to not be too dragged down by negative emotions and therefore I should toughen up by swallowing my feelings. But I guess it can be developed otherwise like you say by creating space for the emotions and actively delving into them by journaling etc because by doing that you become maybe resilient to the emotions taking full hold and taking control?
Overall I’m unsure if resilience is the right word. I hear it thrown around that emotional resilience should be encouraged by I don’t know if it just encourages emotional suppression? Hmm... it’s definitely a tricky balance as you say, I’m also aware that emotions can be overthought.
Anyway, thanks for your reply. I look forward to hearing your thoughts on the pod ☺️
Oh how true this is! You have such a gift, Brooke, for telling it how it absolutely is. When my life fell apart I got so sick of people (well-meaning, but!) dishing up variations of “Chin up! This will only make you stronger”. I didn’t want to be f***ing stronger (usually without the asterisks) - I wanted my old life back. Well, I didn’t get my wish and I know I am a whole lot more resilient now than what I was then but that’s not what I wanted, or needed, to hear at that stage.
It’s a little bit like the bear hunt - we can’t go over or under the river, the mud, the forest - we’ve got to go through it! And having kind, listening family and friends alongside is the only way (with or without caramel slice) 💜
Thanks for this Brooke, I have found over the years when sitting with those who are I'll or at end of life that if I meet them where they are instead of where I am, the right things are said. We are an age phobic, death phobic and even illness phobic society where we always want the best things to happen even when the worst things are happening right in front of us. I so appreciate your point of view and your wisdom and your beautiful optimism. Basically I appreciate your truth.
“We can’t force someone to avoid negative emotions. We can’t take those emotions away either, as much as we might want to. But we can listen. We can truly hear what they’re saying. We can make space for them. We can empathise. And if we don’t understand, that’s okay. We’re not required to.”
This!!! When my four-year-old daughter was going through her journey with the glioblastoma brain tumor, there were so many people who wanted to assure me that everything was going to be OK. I knew in my heart that she was only here for a short time, but saying that out loud wasn’t allowed because how horrible for a mother to except and believe that her daughter was dying. wouldn’t it be better if I spiritually bypassed and believed everything was gonna be OK? But I was not truly allowed to express my inner intuition.
So, instead, I spent every day and enjoying her as much as I could. There were days where I didn’t get dressed, and the sadness was overwhelming.
The ability for people to truly Xpress what they’re feeling without someone putting a Band-Aid on it to make it look better from the outside is so incredibly important. We came here to feel all the feelings, even the crappy ones.
Thank you for this honest and beautiful accounting of this wonderful, terrible, gathering time for your family.
Achingly beautiful. What a beautiful writer you are Brooke and YESSSS. I haaaaate that when people say “Well just focus on the bright side...” like they may as well be holding up a cartoon-style sign 🪧 saying no talking or feeling here. Just happy. And when you’re in some deeply harrowing times like what you just described it feels like it adds to the isolation & like it’s somehow your fault for processing grief or anger? Anyway, you’ve articulated this all so beautifully. Thank you for sharing. So glad your dad is doing well!! 🤍
So glad that your dad came through. Mine passed about seven months ago. It's a journey, a process, and I am so glad that my siblings and I all made space and time to be there at the end, not just with him but with each other, to feel all the things. We also have a call every month on the monthly "anniversary" of his passing to continue to make space for all the feelings.
Such a good and powerful reminder. I've had hard seasons in my life where I absolutely survived using this toxic positivity (aka, silver lining all the things). But I later realized that all those silver linings made me numb to the actual experience.
There’s so much I want to say to this having been severely impacted by toxic positivity, but at the moment am finding it hard to put the thoughts into words. Hopefully I’ll be able to soon, so for now I just want to say thank you for shedding light on the topic (and so beautifully).
Thank you for sharing another very interesting read with us. Chasing the bliss really does mean missing out on a lot of life’s truer moments, and meanings. Here’s to caramel slice and the magic of weed control (a bit like inbox zero).
Completely agree Brooke. Sometimes things just suck and the suckiness is much easier to bear and navigate when you’re able to feel it fully and honestly with someone who acknowledges that it exists.
How true and right this is. My youngest sister’s husband has terminal cancer and how I long to say something, anything to lessen her pain. But I’ve learned to just listen and sit with her and send along meals or little things to let her (and him! He’s so dear to me!) know I am thinking about and praying for them always. It feels so inadequate in the face of something terrible, but it’s all I can offer. And you’re right: candy and laughter are good medicine.❤️
We would give anything to take it away or make it less, and yet there's so little we can actually do about it. I feel so much for you and your family Julie. Sending you all the love and sweets and moments in the sunshine xxxx
Thank you, Brooke.❤️
I find when i’m trying to ‘console’ or just go through my own negative emotions I struggle with this balance of letting myself feel the negativity without wallowing in it, and trying to be resilient against it but without denying my rights to feel sad. You briefly mention that resilience and a positive attitude has a place but I’d be interested in what you mean by this and how to not get it confused with suppressing emotions?
Hi Holly! I'm so sorry for the delay in getting back to your comment — I've been thinking about it all week to be honest. I think there's no quick answer to your question, and for me it's a constant practise of trying to strike a balance. I think that the more I reflect on it, either by writing or thinking or tapping into the physical feelings of it all, the better I get at holding space for both. I think that facing the tough moments, letting them be what they are, helps to develop resilience and a positive attitude. And, vice versa.
I'm not sure if that makes sense, but if its okay with you I'd love to talk a bit more about this in the next episode of the podcast? (We usually do a reflection in the second part of the ep). Thanks again for asking it, and for being here! 💚
Yeh I think that does make sense. Maybe I’ve been looking at ‘resilience’ wrong. I think I’ve seen it as the ability to not be too dragged down by negative emotions and therefore I should toughen up by swallowing my feelings. But I guess it can be developed otherwise like you say by creating space for the emotions and actively delving into them by journaling etc because by doing that you become maybe resilient to the emotions taking full hold and taking control?
Overall I’m unsure if resilience is the right word. I hear it thrown around that emotional resilience should be encouraged by I don’t know if it just encourages emotional suppression? Hmm... it’s definitely a tricky balance as you say, I’m also aware that emotions can be overthought.
Anyway, thanks for your reply. I look forward to hearing your thoughts on the pod ☺️
Oh how true this is! You have such a gift, Brooke, for telling it how it absolutely is. When my life fell apart I got so sick of people (well-meaning, but!) dishing up variations of “Chin up! This will only make you stronger”. I didn’t want to be f***ing stronger (usually without the asterisks) - I wanted my old life back. Well, I didn’t get my wish and I know I am a whole lot more resilient now than what I was then but that’s not what I wanted, or needed, to hear at that stage.
It’s a little bit like the bear hunt - we can’t go over or under the river, the mud, the forest - we’ve got to go through it! And having kind, listening family and friends alongside is the only way (with or without caramel slice) 💜
Thanks for this Brooke, I have found over the years when sitting with those who are I'll or at end of life that if I meet them where they are instead of where I am, the right things are said. We are an age phobic, death phobic and even illness phobic society where we always want the best things to happen even when the worst things are happening right in front of us. I so appreciate your point of view and your wisdom and your beautiful optimism. Basically I appreciate your truth.
“We can’t force someone to avoid negative emotions. We can’t take those emotions away either, as much as we might want to. But we can listen. We can truly hear what they’re saying. We can make space for them. We can empathise. And if we don’t understand, that’s okay. We’re not required to.”
This!!! When my four-year-old daughter was going through her journey with the glioblastoma brain tumor, there were so many people who wanted to assure me that everything was going to be OK. I knew in my heart that she was only here for a short time, but saying that out loud wasn’t allowed because how horrible for a mother to except and believe that her daughter was dying. wouldn’t it be better if I spiritually bypassed and believed everything was gonna be OK? But I was not truly allowed to express my inner intuition.
So, instead, I spent every day and enjoying her as much as I could. There were days where I didn’t get dressed, and the sadness was overwhelming.
The ability for people to truly Xpress what they’re feeling without someone putting a Band-Aid on it to make it look better from the outside is so incredibly important. We came here to feel all the feelings, even the crappy ones.
Thank you for this honest and beautiful accounting of this wonderful, terrible, gathering time for your family.
Achingly beautiful. What a beautiful writer you are Brooke and YESSSS. I haaaaate that when people say “Well just focus on the bright side...” like they may as well be holding up a cartoon-style sign 🪧 saying no talking or feeling here. Just happy. And when you’re in some deeply harrowing times like what you just described it feels like it adds to the isolation & like it’s somehow your fault for processing grief or anger? Anyway, you’ve articulated this all so beautifully. Thank you for sharing. So glad your dad is doing well!! 🤍
So glad that your dad came through. Mine passed about seven months ago. It's a journey, a process, and I am so glad that my siblings and I all made space and time to be there at the end, not just with him but with each other, to feel all the things. We also have a call every month on the monthly "anniversary" of his passing to continue to make space for all the feelings.
Beautifully said and beautifully written <3
Such a good and powerful reminder. I've had hard seasons in my life where I absolutely survived using this toxic positivity (aka, silver lining all the things). But I later realized that all those silver linings made me numb to the actual experience.
Beautiful Brooke. ✨ what a lovely picture too.
There’s so much I want to say to this having been severely impacted by toxic positivity, but at the moment am finding it hard to put the thoughts into words. Hopefully I’ll be able to soon, so for now I just want to say thank you for shedding light on the topic (and so beautifully).
Perfect timing. Thank you
Thank you for sharing another very interesting read with us. Chasing the bliss really does mean missing out on a lot of life’s truer moments, and meanings. Here’s to caramel slice and the magic of weed control (a bit like inbox zero).
Completely agree Brooke. Sometimes things just suck and the suckiness is much easier to bear and navigate when you’re able to feel it fully and honestly with someone who acknowledges that it exists.
Thanks Brooke :). I needed to hear this.
I am currently sitting in the icu waiting room after a week of my dad being here, so serendipitous that I chose to read this story now. 💜
Praying for your dad right now, Jess!