Checking in

Come ride the Rollercoaster of Emotions with me

Hi mates, I hope you’re well?

I wanted to pop back in and let you know how I’m travelling. It’s been a bumpy few weeks and I’m still deep in recovery mode post-surgery, but thankfully, I’ve felt things shift in the right direction over the past week or so.

I don’t want this space to become ‘Brooke’s Health Blog’, but I do want to give you a quick update on what’s been happening. Partly because many of you have been concerned (which is so kind and has bolstered my spirits on days I’ve really needed it), and partly because I know a lot of us struggle with chronic health issues and thought sharing a little about how I’ve been navigating mine may be helpful.

As you may know, I had a hysterectomy in mid-February, which went as well as these things go. Unfortunately, I ended up with some pretty scary complications a few weeks later, which I’m still recovering from. They also kicked off another bout of the kind of bone-deep, can’t-think, showering-leaves-me-exhausted, get-through-the-day-doing-the-barest-of-bare-minumums fatigue of unknown origins that I’ve been battling on and off for the past few years. It’s been debilitating.

There are also ongoing investigations (scans! appointments! more specialists!) into the pituitary condition that *gestures broadly* causes all of this, and I think—at least I hope, with my fingers firmly crossed—that we might be closing in on some actual answers. Praise be!

It’s hard to tell how much of my current state is due to the surgery and how much is the ongoing pituitary mystery, and to be honest, I’ve struggled a lot, with all of it. Physically, of course, but even more so mentally and emotionally. I’ve spent most of my time feeling frustrated beyond belief, guilty beyond reason, angry and sad and confused and overwhelmed. I’ve been on this path for more than five years and I’m tired and over it.

So, it’s funny to follow all of that up by saying I’ve also felt joy in this period. It hasn’t come easy, and I’ve really had to go searching for it, but I’ve found it in spades.

It’s been in the grass between my toes.

It’s been in the currawongs in the fig tree every morning, the air filled with their beautiful song.

It’s been in spending time with my family. Laughing with them, listening to them, just being near them.

It’s been in a book I can’t put down.  

It’s been in the patches of sunlight on the floor in the back room; how the concrete soaks up the heat of the day and stays warm underfoot at night.

It’s been in the reminder that these pockets of delight exist in spite of frustration and anger and sadness.

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A few people have said to me, with all good intention, something along the lines of, “Chin up. It could be worse.” And of course it could. None of us need to look very far to find circumstances more tragic, more painful, more challenging than our own. But the fact remains that it’s still hard, and in order to move through it, it needs to be acknowledged, accepted, and processed.

Denying the challenge of it all is unhelpful. Squashing it down, pretending it doesn’t count, telling ourselves we’re being dramatic—this just prolongs the pain. By recognising it, acknowledging it, giving it a little wave, we can move forward. To acceptance (even if it’s begrudging), to adaptation (even if it’s not ideal), and yes, to joy in spite of it all.

I’ve felt like a failure these past months. These past years if I’m honest. My inability to stick at things, to finish them to my standards, to continue on and push through, has felt like a moral weakness, even though I know it’s not. But this period of healing has got me thinking in new ways. It’s helping me see things through different lenses, and in all its shittiness, is bringing me lessons and questions and maybe even something new.

What if these periods of failure are more like periods of fallowness? And what if fallow wasn’t a bad thing? What if, amongst the frustration, I find transition? From what and to what are TBD, but what if? What if I’ve been grieving the life I thought I was going to have and what if I’m learning to let go, only so I can grab on to the one I’ve got with both hands?

So many questions. Zero current answers. Which, I’m discovering, is also okay.

All this to say, I’m slowly making my way back. Back to the page, back to myself, back to this wonderful corner of the internet.

I’m nervous to put timeframes and expectations on any of it just yet because one of the greatest gifts of these past few months has been the ability to be flexible, and locking myself into expectations too soon might be a shortcut to a setback.

If I’m still feeling good next week, I’ll restart payments for paying members, with a plan to drop a letter in your inbox every Thursday. Thank you for hanging in there with me.

B xx