The First Annual Tortoise Gift Guide

an alternative to all those alternative gift guides

(This voiceover is an audio version of the newsletter below. As always, it’s unedited, and today you might hear my neighbour start a power tool of some kind near the end, and my digs snoring away at my feet. If you like/need to listen to these posts I hope you enjoy it!)

I love Christmas and the holiday season as much as any basic person. Our family starts listening to Christmas music and watching terrible/wonderful Christmas movies from November 25. And even though we get sick of them by about December 15, we stick with the program until Dec 25, because tradition.

I love spending time with family, I love sharing a meal or two or seven, I love the slow days between Christmas and New Year and the long hot days spent at the beach. I love eating leftovers and the smell of pine trees and the cicada-filled soundtrack of a mid-afternoon nap.

I don’t so much love the consumerism that comes along with the holidays though. But, while it’s true that I don’t love having a lot of stuff and I very much hate shopping, I do still own things, some of them for no reason other than I like them. I do still buy my kids things, sometimes for no reason other than they like them.

I try to buy second-hand, high quality or compostable things. I try to repair things, pass things on or upcycle things. These options are not always possible or feasible of course — see: money, time, access or the fact that some ‘eco’ choices will be shipped halfway across the world just so I can pat myself on the back.

I mostly feel okay about it, I’m mostly mindful of the things I consume and mostly is a good enough place to land. My kids will get Christmas presents, and while we try to stick to the “something they want, something they need, something to wear, something to read” guideline, I also try to include experience gifts.

This time of year the internet is full of ‘gift guides’ and ‘alternative gift guides’ that, while usually lovely, and in lots of cases full of eco, ethical, indie or unique gifts, are still full of stuff. In The Tortoise’s Alternative-Alternative Gift Guide, I try to steer clear of stuff altogether. Not because you’re not going to buy any, but probably because you’ll find those suggestions elsewhere.

So if you’re looking for some non-stuff stuff to gift people this year, read on.

BUT BEFORE YOU DO! Please, please, please don’t see this as another thing to add to the holiday to-do list. We’re not in competition for who can do the most aesthetic, slow, handmade Christmas. These suggestions are meant to remove some of the pressure and stress from the lead-up to the holidays. If it doesn’t do that, then let it go without another thought.

Give your time

The people you’re buying gifts for are almost certainly in need of something. But what if that something is a sanity-saving, child-free night where they can have dinner with a friend? Or an afternoon of weeding the garden together? A weekend camping in a wifi-less national park?

I remember speaking to a woman who didn’t give her young grandkids any gifts at all until they were 16. Then, she took them on a grand adventure — an overseas hiking trip, a week-long canoe trip — saving all that she would have spent on gifts over the years on the one thing we never have enough of: time together. It inspired me to think about giving the gift of time in a totally different way. Not as a cheap option, but as something truly valuable and precious.

You could make a voucher for:

• A movie night together, complete with snacks and movies of their choice

• Backyard campouts

• A monthly day spent at the beach, lake or mountains

• A picnic

• Foraging in the bush

• Cooking a special meal together

• Painting the living room together (or doing it for them and gifting them a day to spend however they want!)

Give your skills and energy

Similarly, we all have skills. What if those skills were seen as a gift worth giving? Are you a hairdresser? Dog groomer? Painter? Crafter? Sewing expert? Cooking whiz? Nutritionist?

We know the mental load and caregivers’ burdens are heavy. Make up a beautiful gift voucher for a gift of your skills and energy and help lighten the load a little:

• Cook a week’s worth of of home-made meals for the freezer

• Give them a few weekends of help in the garden

• Write a three-month meal plan for their family

• Gift them six nights of baby-sitting

• Offer a year’s worth of dog grooming or haircuts

• Bake the family birthday cakes for a year

• Make seasonal mix-tapes or playlists on Spotify

• Record them telling stories of their life and turn it into a podcast

Remember: a gift doesn’t have to cost much to be incredibly valuable.

Charity Gifts

Today, there are many parts of the world in dire need of aid, and gift-giving is an opportunity to share the generosity of the holidays.

Most charities have the option of making gift donations — either one-off amounts or an annual amount. If there’s a charity close to the heart of someone you love, consider making a donation on their behalf. While these options have no physical gift to pass on to your loved one, many of the charities offer donation certificates as a thank you.

For donations, take a look at:

• Médecins Sans Frontières

• Save the Children

• Red Cross

• WIRES

• Reforest Now

Alternatively, you can buy gift cards for things like a goat, fast-growing seeds, a new well or a sewing machine to be given to communities that are in need.

For specific gift cards, check out:

• Care Gifts

• World Vision

• UNICEF

Restaurant Voucher

One of my favourite clutter-free gift options. Buy a voucher for a special occasion restaurant and give the gift of a delicious meal. Or twenty free coffees, or a dozen doughnuts, or the best dumplings in the city.

Consumables

I know, this is technically stuff, but it’s stuff that gets eaten, so it probably won’t last for long.

You can always go for the staple of a nice bottle of wine or spirits, but with a lot of people cutting back on the amount they’re drinking, it might be safer to go with something else.

Of course, you can buy a hamper of cheese and fancy crackers, or a basket full of their favourite chocolates, and I don’t think anyone would be disappointed. Or, if you have the time and the inclination, you could try your hand at making something:

• Jam or marmalade

• Cupcakes

• Cookie mix in a jar (great for teachers)

• Toffees, fudge, truffles or other homemade sweets

• Homemade kombucha, shrub or kefir

• Pickles and preserves

• Flavoured salts and spices

• Chilli sauce

• Chutney

To up your green points, use recycled glass jars with handmade labels. These are ideal for teachers, extended family and colleagues.

Books

I know, I know, not technically non-stuff either BUT books are the best. If your loved one is a reader, why not grab them a book you know they’d love and support your local bookshop at the same time?

If they’re interested in a person, topic or particular genre, ask your bookseller about good options, or if you’re really stuck, get them a voucher so they can buy the exact book they want.

Etsy gift card

Sure, your recipient will use this to buy something, but it will be something handmade and something they really want. An Etsy gift card is a good option for the in-law who has everything or the teenager with very specific (and slightly daunting) taste.

Weekend away

If you’re buying a gift for parents or grandparents, consider pooling your resources with other people and buy them a weekend away. Find a B&B in a town near the coast, or an off-grid bush retreat and grab a voucher.

Subscriptions

Yes, it’s true. You can gift someone a yearly subscription to The Tortoise if it’s something you think they’d enjoy. You can also buy gift subscriptions to any of your favourite Substacks, magazines, newspapers or paywalled podcasts. If you want to gift something more practical than that, you could always pay for a year’s worth of toilet paper via a company like Yarnn or Who Gives a Crap.

Plants

The ultimate green gift, plants aren’t technically clutter-free either, but, much like books, I think they get a year-round pass. Plus, any time I’ve put one in a Kris Kringle-style gift swap, it’s always been hotly contested.

For indoor plants, Zanzibar Gem is almost impossible to kill, and devil’s ivy, peace lily and snake plants are all good, hardy options too. If you’re buying for outdoors, make sure you get something that grows well in a pot — think olives, dwarf citrus, herbs — and consider the recipient’s home before buying anything that’s going to need super specific conditions.

Favourite experiences

Think about things your loved one enjoys doing, maybe something they don’t get a chance to do very often. Could you buy or make up a voucher for them to indulge? Think:

• Movie tickets

• Theatre passes

• Tickets to a concert

• Voucher for a facial or a massage

• Tickets to a sporting event

• A day at a local attraction – museum, zoo, aquarium, art gallery

New experiences

Or there might be things they’ve always wanted to do, but never had the time or money for. Consider whether you might be able to give:

• Dance classes

• Cooking lessons

• Language classes

• Painting, pottery or drawing lessons

• Music lessons

• A class pass to the local yoga or pilates studio

• A few personal training sessions

Painfully practical gifts

Again, some of these are ‘stuff’, but if it’s stuff that your loved one really needs, and will likely have to pay for anyway, why not take some of the financial pressure off them?

This might include things like:

• Repairs

• Help paying their electricity bill

• Grocery or fuel gift cards

• Homewares – linens, crockery, a casserole dish or a new saucepan

• Garden tools

• A piece of furniture

People roll their eyes at the idea of giving practical gifts, as though they’re less special or worthy, but things are tight for a lot of people at the moment and a practical gift or some financial help might just be the most important thing they receive.

Family keepsake book

Collect photos or go-to recipes from family members and pull them together into a book. You can give everyone a copy, or make it a special gift for newlyweds or someone who has recently moved out of home.

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Are there any non-stuff gifts I’ve missed? Any go-to favourites you like giving your loved ones? Any charities doing good work that deserve to be added to the list? Let me know!

That’s it for the week, I hope you enjoy what remains of it and that the weekend has space for some lovely slow moments.

I’ll be back on Sunday with the final 1% Experiment update for the year for paying supporters, and back in everyone’s inbox next Thursday with a brilliant guest post from the one and only Casey Lister from

lofi life

Until then, take good care,
Brooke xx

PS. Don’t forget, you can always:

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We all know Ellen is the real hero of this movie.